


Pigeon Alley

by dianna44



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Actor Victor Nikiforov, Actor Yuuri Katsuki, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Famous Victor, Famous Yuuri, Fluff, Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecurity, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Unresolved Emotional Tension, media attention, public relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-11-02 02:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10934868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: What's meant to be will always find a way. Victor and Yuuri? They're meant to be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ 
> 
> I am VERY excited to finally be able to post this fic. I am still currently working on it so it's even a WIP for me, so sorry :') (I have it all planned out to the very last detail though.)
> 
> Usually, I'd have things to say about the fic you're about to read, but everything that isn't revealed will be revealed in time. 
> 
> I guess the only important thing to know is that you should note the time of which each 'moment' happened. Years are especially important. Months are important, but not as much. It seems that I'm incapable of writing fics without time jumps so isn't that just ~fun~ :'')
> 
> This fic is loosely based off Taylor Swift's 'Out Of The Woods' and 'You Are In Love'. 
> 
> the title will make sense with time ;)
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! xxx
> 
> EDIT (October 2017): I have a book out! Learn more on [my website here](http://diannamorales.com/)  
> EDIT (November 2017) somebody made me a mood board on tumblr for this fic! check it out [here](http://literallynothingbutvictuuri.tumblr.com/post/167679200167/osnapitzhanaa-fic-rec-mood-board-song)  
> 

[FEBRUARY 2016]

 

The alcohol warmed his throat. It was familiar, pleasant and unpleasant, harsh, soothing, manipulative—

“Victor!”

Victor groans, leaning heavily against the bar, the light too bright. “What is it, Mila? What? What do you want?” He blinks at Mila, a blur of a shape in front of him.

Mila sighs. “It’s almost four in the morning. You have an interview tomorrow. Go home and sleep.”

Victor rolls his eyes, and finishes his beer. “I don’t have an interview.” He turns back to the bartender to order another one, but Mila is placing her hand on his shoulder and turning him around before he can.

“Yes, you do. I planned it. It’s in seven hours. Here,” Mila says, tugging at Victor, and Victor lets her pull him along as he waves goodbye to the bartender who isn’t looking back at him.

He’s shoved into a car, and Mila gets in beside him, and Victor can’t focus on anything at all. The car starts to move, and Victor leans his head against the window, appreciating the cold against his overheated skin.

“I wish you would stop doing this,” Mila says softly a minute later.

Victor doesn’t hear her.

He’d already fallen asleep.

 

 

[NOVEMBER 2010]

 

“Happy birthday, Yuuri,” Victor whispers against Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri shivers, and shoves him off, sitting up. Their bed is spacious, big, and both of them love it, love each other, love their home, love their life.  

“Happy birthday, Victor,” he says back, smiling innocently at him.

Victor rolls his eyes. “Not my birthday.”

“Could be.”

“It’s not.”

“Well,” Yuuri sighs. “How do you know it’s mine?”

Victor rolls his eyes again. “Actually, you’re right. I take it back. Happy not birthday, Yuuri.”

Yuuri giggles despite himself. “Happy not birthday, Victor,” he whispers.

It’s early, the sun still sleeping and the moon still dancing, and Yuuri leans forward and kisses Victor.

“Happy birthday to me,” he says.

“Love you,” Victor says, smiling against his lips, and moving in even closer.

Yuuri lets him lean him back against the pillows. “Love you.”

 

 

[NOVEMBER 2014]

 

“I don’t need a date, Phichit. It’s my birthday, and if I don’t want a date then I don’t want a date. It’s my _birthday_.”

Phichit just smiles. “I’m pretty sure the entire world knows it’s your birthday, Yuuri.”

“If that’s so it’s because _you_ probably had something to do with it,” Yuuri glares. He’s at home, and Phichit took it upon himself to drive him to the birthday party that’s being held for him. He also came earlier to give him his present “before anybody else could”. Phichit is waiting for him by the door, a large smile on his face, and Yuuri smiles back at him. “Thank you by the way.”

And he’s not just thanking him for coming to get him, Yuuri knows Phichit knows this. He’s thanking him for still being here. For being his best friend. For being his manager, his publicist, and his right-hand man.

“Of course, Yuuri,” he responds earnestly. “Always.” And Yuuri nods at that. He believes him. He believes him because so far, Phichit has never given him a reason to not.

“Happy birthday to me,” Yuuri mutters, and Phichit laughs again, hurrying him out the door.

(And when he arrives, the paparazzi flashes are blinding, and Yuuri lets himself believe that he’s okay.)

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2012]

 

“You recently got out of a four-year relationship, Yuuri—”

“Three years,” mutters Yuuri, who’s already feeling tense. The interviewer pays him no mind.

“How’s that been treating you?” he finishes. Yuuri purses his lips, briefly looking at the audience who have suddenly gotten very quiet. Yuuri doesn’t want to talk about this doesn’t want to talk about this he doesn’t want to talk about this.  

“I’ll deal,” is what he finally says, and he knows the audience was hoping for something more, but Yuuri _can’t do it._

“Well, it’s not like you’re too old. You’re only twenty-one. You have time,” the interviewer says. And Yuuri, for the briefest of moments thinks the interviewer will leave it at that, but then the man smiles even wider at the camera, and targets a wicked smile at Yuuri.

“Well, _I_ heard that one Victor Nikiforov was found gallivanting at a club last night. Apparently, he left with a woman on his arm. Know anything about that?”

If it had been a man, it would have stung. It would have lodged itself deep into Yuuri’s chest, and Yuuri would try his hardest to reach and pull it out, but he would only push it in further. If it were a man, Yuuri doesn’t know how he would have reacted.

But it was a woman. It was a woman, and—

“Well, Victor’s gay, so,” Yuuri says, and well, if Victor didn’t already hate him, he sure as hell does now. That was always the catch when they were dating. They couldn’t be _gay_ , but of course, they weren’t _straight._ The management always wanted to play them off as bisexual so they could be “available” to women as well _._ It was disgusting.

The audience may have gasped, and the interviewer lights up at the news. Yuuri is already imagining Phichit frantically calling Victor’s management and profusely apologizing. Yuuri feels guilty about his response, but he can’t change it now. It’s already out, and this is a live interview.

“He’s _gay_?”

Yuuri doesn’t want this much media attention on Victor. He shouldn’t have said anything at all, and so Yuuri says the first thing that just might loosen the attention on his ex.

“I mean, I am too,” says Yuuri before he can stop himself. Most of his major decisions occur without his own approval.

(It’s in the news for almost a full week, and neither Victor’s management nor his own is too happy with him. Yuuri feels guilty, but he also feels like he can fly.)

 

 

[MAY 2009]

 

“What do you want to watch?” Victor asks, lacing his fingers together with Yuuri’s. Yuuri smiles up at him, and Victor loves it when it’s like this. He loves it when Yuuri is sleepy and resting his head on Victor’s lap and Victor loves everything about this boy.

“Up to you,” Yuuri mumbles, tracing Victor’s outer thigh with his other hand.

Victor rolls his eyes. “Yuuri,” he pouts.

“Something romantic,” Yuuri eventually responds. Victor laughs, and Yuuri giggles in response, and they both squeeze the other’s hand.

“Yuuri,” Victor says, upon realizing a dilemma. “The remote is over there.”

Yuuri just peers up at him. “Shame,” he deadpans.

Victor scoffs. “You’ve captured me, I see.” Yuuri presses even closer to Victor at that, and Victor theatrically groans.

“You’re more than romantic enough,” Yuuri mumbles against his shirt, and Victor’s other hand immediately traces the ends of Yuuri’s hair.

“Says the one who stole my heart,” Victor says.

Yuuri blushes a deep red. “Now you really _do_ sound like you’re coming from a romance movie.”

“Is it a good movie at least?”

“Probably,” Yuuri admits. “I wouldn’t know though; I haven’t seen it yet.”

Victor marvels at how much he loves playing with Yuuri’s hair, and he simply says, “We should definitely go see it sometime then.”

Yuuri snorts, but doesn’t say anything. They rest like that for a while, a few minutes, maybe hours, maybe days, Victor doesn’t necessarily care because it all feels like a single second and an entire lifetime happening all at once.

“How many kids do you want?” Victor suddenly finds himself asking. Victor tenses, fearing Yuuri’s response, but before he can say something else, Yuuri just laughs.

“I don’t know. A few, I guess. I’m afraid that if we have one, they’ll be too spoiled.”

“How does ten sound?”

“ _Victor_.”

Victor just laughs, and continues to play with Yuuri’s hair. Everything about Yuuri is absolutely addicting, and sometimes he wonders if that feeling should be frightening to him, but nothing about Yuuri is frightening, nothing about Yuuri makes Victor feel afraid, in fact it’s everything about Yuuri that makes Victor feel strong.

“I adore you,” says Victor, and the words float in the air around them. Yuuri tilts his head and looks up at him, eyes wide and cheeks red. He’s gorgeous, inside and out, and Victor’s heart is flying.

“I love you,” Yuuri responds.

Victor doesn’t think anything else in the world is better than this. He cannot comprehend a better thing than this. This boy is absolutely everything to him, and he’s so excited to fall in love with him even more every day.

“I love you more,” Victor says.

Yuuri scoffs, and turns away. “Doubt that,” he mutters.

Victor smiles. “That a challenge?” he asks.

Yuuri turns to look at him again. “Of course not. I’ve already won,” he says innocently. “Now go get the remote so we can watch a cheesy romance movie.”

Victor sniffs. “It doesn’t matter what we watch, the couple in it won’t be _nearly_ as cute as we are.”

“ _Victor.”_

 

[FEBRUARY 2012]

 

Victor didn’t want to think about Yuuri at all today, but ironically enough, he was the first damn thought he had when he woke up.

 _Today would have been our anniversary_ , he thinks before he’s even opened his eyes, and suddenly the empty side of his bed is much more present, and Victor is _sad_.

He opens his eyes.

“Fuck,” he whispers, and his room is dark, too dark, and Victor groans. Turning on the light, he grabs his phone and props himself up.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. He promised himself he wouldn’t think about him at all.

 _I wonder how he’s doing_ , he briefly thinks before he can stop himself.

His fingers are typing in a name he’s tried to distance himself from, and Victor knows he should stop, knows that he won’t gain anything from doing this, knows that this will only hurt him, but he’s already pressed ‘enter’ and can’t take it back. Several articles come up, and Victor is pressing one of them before he can help himself.   

 

Victor doesn’t move a muscle for a long while, and he’s hurting, something is hurting, what’s hurting so much, oh god, it’s his _heart_.

He knows it shouldn’t affect him anymore. But he also knows it’s only been a few weeks. Not even a full month. A few weeks. And he _knows_ that most articles have no real basis behind them, knows that most of them aren’t true, knows that if he and Yuuri were still dating, they’d laugh it off and kiss each so fiercely, their souls only melding closer together. He knows that he has the right to still hurt, but does he have that right if Yuuri isn’t?

He shouldn’t have typed his name. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to think about him. He shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have he shouldn’t hav— _it would have been their three year anniversary._

And Victor knows he has things he needs to do today. But he lies back down anyway, and closes his eyes, and lets himself believe that Yuuri is giggling about the article in the shower.

(It doesn’t work it doesn’t work it doesn’t work, but Victor falls back asleep anyway, weight heavy in his heart.

And when he wakes up again, he drinks and drinks and drinks.)

 

 

[MARCH 2007]

 

“Yuuri, are you nervous?” his mom asks him, giggling. Yuuri blushes.

“Of course I’m nervous! I’m meeting the boy I’ll be starring with! What if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like _him_?” he exclaims. His mom laughs again, and Yuuri blushes, embarrassed.

“I can’t think of a single soul that doesn’t love you, Yuuri,” she assures him, and Yuuri picks at his arm. “And I know that despite how you may feel toward him, you are professional enough to not let it affect your dream. You dream big, sweetie, and your determination is beautiful.”

Yuuri blushes again. He doesn’t let himself speak about his insecurities. What if the director likes this Victor guy more than he likes Yuuri? What if Victor doesn’t like him and demands him to be booted off the show and because Yakov likes him more, he is? What if he never achieves his dreams? What if Yuuri doesn’t like him? What if they don’t act well together? What if they—

“Yuuri,” his mother chirps. “He’s here.”

And Yuuri turns to meet him, the images that he’s seen of the older boy flashing briefly in his mind, but ending up being nothing compared to the real deal.

Victor is absolutely stunning, and Yuuri feels his chest tighten, and Yuuri hasn’t felt anything like this since his first crush all those years ago.

The other boy looks nervous, but excited, and upon seeing Yuuri, he brightens.

“Yuuri?” he asks, walking up to them and stopping with a spring in his step.

Yuuri nods, blushing, and Yuuri doesn’t know where to _look_. Victor is _gorgeous_. How is a nineteen-year-old this gorgeous?!

“Hello,” Yuuri’s mom greets, smiling brightly. “I’m Yuuri’s mother.” She holds out her hand, and Victor takes hold of it happily.

Victor laughs, a bright sun in the night sky, and Yuuri can’t believe he hasn’t spoken yet. When they let go of each other, Victor’s gaze travels to him again, and Yuuri _still hasn’t spoken_.

“Uhm. Hi,” Yuuri finally says, and Victor’s smile somehow gets larger.

“Hi!” he responds. “I’m so happy I get to finally meet you. I’ve been wanting to meet you since _forever_.”

Yuuri blushes even harder, and Victor notices, a slight smirk briefly appearing in his expression. He covers it quickly with another smile.

“It’s n-nice to meet you too,” Yuuri says, internally screaming at the fact he stuttered. His mother giggles at their interaction, and Yuuri throws her a quick glare of embarrassment. She just winks at him.

“Well, I’m just here to sign some forms. Do you know where I can do that?” she asks Victor. Victor instantly looks apologetic, and Yuuri wonders how he’s supposed to keep up with Victor’s rapid mood changes. Yuuri thinks that Victor is… extreme, but on one hand, he doesn’t think that’s a bad thing either.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know, no,” Victor responds.

She sighs. “Don’t be sorry! It’s okay. I just need to find someone quickly. I have a few errands to run. And then I’ll be back to pick up my little Yuuri here,” she says. Yuuri wants to _die_.

Victor laughs. “Can he not drive?” he asks, looking absolutely fascinated with Yuuri’s mother. Yuuri is wondering where the nearest cliff is to jump off of. His mom is just as entranced by Victor, and she laughs as well.

“Oh, he _can_. But even if I didn’t have to sign forms, I still would have driven him! He’s an _awful_ driver,” she says.

“No, I’m not!” Yuuri protests. Both ignore him.

“Is he really?” Victor asks excitedly.

“He _is_. But it’s really just because his nerves get the best of him. He has some awful nerves sometimes. I think he just feels stressed to be behind the wheel.”

Yuuri hates this. Absolutely hates this. This has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to him he hates this he—

“He seems like he’s a careful driver. I don’t know. Better than my driving, that’s for sure,” Victor says, sliding his gaze back to Yuuri. Yuuri is astonished by how pretty he is. Yuuri’s about to thank him or at least say something when Yakov interrupts them.

“Yuuri! Victor! There you are! Victor, I told you to bring them in! Why are you standing around talking to them? I’m sure Mrs. Katsuki has places to be.”

Yakov makes his way over to him, and Yuuri is relieved to see another familiar face.

Victor pouts. “I didn’t want to share them yet,” he says. Yuuri blushes for the hundredth time and his mom just laughs again.

Yakov scoffs, but ignores him. He quickly shakes both of their hands.

“I’m sure you’re looking for the paperwork. Luckily, Yuuri has already signed everything so all we need is your signature on a few items. They’re in my office if you’d like to follow me…”

“Of course!” his mom exclaims. “I was getting worried about where you were. I have a few errands to run so I may just leave right after I sign.” She turns to Yuuri and before he can protest, envelopes him in a big hug. “I expect you to tell me how everything goes when you get home!”

“Mom,” he groans. Yuuri sees Victor practically bouncing in spot in his peripheral.

“I love you!” she says. “I’ll pick you up when you’re finished. Have fun!”

Yakov mumbles a few instructions for them to get to know each other, and then they’re heading off to finish up the paperwork.

Yuuri swears his heart is leaping in his chest. _Calm down_ , he thinks. _You’re going to have to work with him for, hopefully, a long time. Stop it_.

“I _love_ your mom,” Victor suddenly says, breaking the short silence. Yuuri lets himself smile.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “She’s pretty great.”

And then Victor is grabbing onto his hand and dragging him to another room. He shuts the door quietly, and Yuuri is a little amazed about how quickly that all happened.

There’s a couch in the room, and Victor is sitting right next to him.

“ _So_ ,” Victor starts. “We’re going to be working together for quite some time, and I know that loads of people get to know each other over time, but I want to know _everything_ if I’m going to be your co-star.”

“Huh?” Yuuri asks, overwhelmed.

“Favorite color? First love? How many people have you dated? You’re seventeen, right? Who do you live with? Any pets? _I_ have one. A dog. A poodle, to be exact. Makkachin. Anyway, do you have any? What about food? What’s your favorite type? How many languages can you speak? Where did you grow up? Do you prefer board games or games on your phone? If you weren’t here right now, where would you be? Did you ever expect any of this to happen? What are your biggest fears? Your mom mentioned you get nervous often. What are your biggest insecurities? I hope you don’t say looks because I just wouldn’t be able to see that. Do you like your looks? I like mine. Although, I guess I’m most self-conscious of my hair… do you like my hair?”

Yuuri waits a moment when Victor’s finally stopped talking to make sure that he’s _actually stopped talking_.

“Uhm,” Yuuri says. How is he supposed to answer all of that? Where is he? What’s going on? Is Victor always like this? Why is Yuuri weirdly endeared by that?

Victor instantly deflates, looking completely unsure about anything. “I’m sorry. I know I can be… quite a bit. A lot, even. To the extreme, some say. I don’t mean to be. I’m just really excited.”

Yuuri realizes he isn’t any less endeared after hearing that. He smiles warmly at him. Victor seems to be feeling insecure about himself right now, and Yuuri knows that feeling all too well.

“It’s okay. You just asked so many questions at once. I’d be happy to answer them though,” he says, smiling. Victor just stares at him for a few seconds, but then his entire demeanor changes once again.

“So… favorite color?”

 

They talk for hours, and finally, they both become hungry enough to leave the room to search for food.

“I’m excited to see you act tomorrow,” Victor tells him when they finally find a room with assortments of food on a table. They haven’t seen Yakov since the morning, and Yuuri briefly wonders if other actors’ first days are like this. Yuuri came in knowing he wouldn’t be acting today, but for some reason, he feels like he should be.

“I’m excited to see you act too,” Yuuri admits, and Victor turns a bit red at that.

 _You’re cute you’re cute you’re cute_ , Yuuri finds himself thinking before he can help himself. Blushing, Yuuri looks away. _No no no no no_.

“I’m glad you’re my co-star, Yuuri,” whispers Victor. And Yuuri’s head snaps back up, eyes meeting Victor’s. He can’t help but smile. How could he not smile?

“I’m glad you’re mine too,” Yuuri responds, his heart soaring.  

 

 

[JANUARY 2012]

 

“It’s TOO MUCH, Victor! It’s too much! And I-I-I don’t know what to _believe_ anymore! And I _know_ I should believe you, and I _do_ , but recently, I just… I just, _don’t_. And I-I _love_ you, but _fuck_ , Victor… it’s so much it’s so much it’s so fucking much.”

“Yuuri, I—”

“And I know you didn’t do anything. I know you would never. I have complete trust in you, but it’s so hard to read all the speculation, all the shit they say about us, how you deserve better, and that’s the hardest because you _do_. You deserve _better_ than me. _You deserve better_ ,” Yuuri cries.

Victor is shaking his head, crying crying crying, and Yuuri is crying collapsing breaking, and nothing is how it should be nothing is going as planned it’s not right it’s not right it’s not _fair_. “Yuuri, we can get through it. I… I know it’s hard, but we can get through it. We’ve always gotten through it. We can—”

“I don’t want to get through it anymore! I can barely handle my own damn thoughts! I can barely handle myself, and I _adore_ you, Victor! I love you so much, but how am I supposed to be able to handle _any_ of this when I always feel like I’m _suffocating_?!”

Makkachin has started to bark at them, and Yuuri is starting to have a panic attack, and he’s collapsing against the floor, eyes wide and terrified, and Victor is absolutely heartbroken.

“Yuuri Yuuri Yuuri I love you so much. I know it’s scary… I know we became famous so quickly. I _know_. Every day I worry that you’ll find someone else that you love more while filming another movie or going out to eat, and every day I know that you love me. I know it’s been hard for you, Yuuri… I know, and I-I wish I could help more. Maybe we could see—”

“I just want them to leave us alone! Why can’t they just leave us alone! Every move I make, I’m so terrified about who will see it and how they’ll interpret it and spread it. And I _know_ that a lot of people go through this, but it just… it seems _harder_ when I’m with you. It’s _harder_ because you’re famous too and we’re not even working together on the same thing anymore and it’s _hard_ to hear about what your boyfriend is doing before you even hear about it yourself. I-I _hate_ it.”

Victor reaches forward to hug Yuuri, bring him into his grip, and comfort him as best as he can, but Yuuri is pulling away. “No no no, please don’t. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, Victor. And I know it’s so selfish. I know I know and I’m so fucking sorry, but I’m _done_ with this, Victor. I’m _done_ with going on half-dates with you because the paparazzi find us. I’m done with worrying about every single little thing I do in our relationship, Victor… I’m done with this relationship.”

And he’s stood up again, and Victor has found himself being the one who has broken, who has collapsed, who has absolutely found himself stuck in a hole that seems so impossible to get out of, and he’s crying, no no no no no no.

“ _Y-Yuuri,_ ” he gasps out, and Yuuri takes another step back, shaking his head wildly, and Victor briefly wonders what triggered all of this to happen. What article did Yuuri read? What tweet did he see? What comment did he allow himself to dig deep into? Why why why why. Why isn’t he talking to him? Why isn’t he communicating? Why isn’t he letting Victor speak? Why is he turning around? Why is he turning around? Why is he turning around? Why is he turning around? Why is he walking walking walking away? He’s walking? _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Where is he? Where’s Yuuri? Makkachin has stopped barking, and it’s absolutely silent except for Victor’s weak cries.

Why did Yuuri leave him?

 

 

[MAY 2015]

 

Yuuri shouldn’t be affected. He knows it’s been years since they’ve broken up, and he knows they don’t even _like_ each other anymore, but a hurt so deep has lodged itself in his chest, and he’s finding it incredibly difficult to breathe.

“Yuuri,” Phichit says, worry all over his face. He reaches over to grab Yuuri’s hand, but Yuuri pulls back, and he can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe. “Yuuri,” Phichit tries again. Yuuri just shakes his head, swallowing down his words.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says.

“Are you sure?” Phichit asks.

_No no no no no no. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything, and I hate Victor, I do, he said some awful shit about me afterwards, but I deserved it. I did too. It was my fault. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault everything is my fault I never deserved him in the first place. I won’t ever deserve him. Whatever. I don’t know. I don’t know anything, and he doesn’t matter. He doesn’t ma—_

“Yuuri,” Phichit repeats again, finally taking hold of his hand. “Yuuri, you’re not saying anything.”

“T-There’s nothing to say, Phichit,” he sighs, finally letting himself take a breath. It hurts. It’s not allowed to _hurt_ so much.

He hates Victor. Hates him so much.

“Do you miss him?” Phichit asks, squeezing Yuuri’s hand. Yuuri sucks in a breath.

(Of course he misses him. Of course of course. No, he hates him. No, he doesn’t. He does he does he does he _has_ to. It’s his fault. It’s his own fault. It doesn’t matter that he misses him. Nothing will happen.)

“Sometimes,” Yuuri responds, and it’s so quiet. There aren’t any other sounds, and Yuuri is about to go out for a pap walk, but he isn’t sure he can anymore.

Phichit looks sad, and Yuuri thinks that he doesn’t see Phichit sad very often. He’s always so bright, so optimistic, but he looks sad for Yuuri, and it makes sense that Phichit would only become sad when it’s for his friends.

“What are you going to do?” he asks.

Yuuri swallows and shakes his head. “I can’t do anything. It’s been over three years since we dated. It shouldn’t matter to me. It shouldn’t matter to me, Phichit, so I’m not going to let it.”

Phichit purses his lips. “I’m sure it’s going to be all over the news for a while. Do you want me to take all your devices away and we can watch movies for the next few days? I’m sure we can cancel your pap walk.”

Yuuri shakes his head, smiling at him gratefully. He’s truly lucky to have Phichit as his friend. So so lucky. “No. I don’t want to hole away. I can’t do this every time he kisses someone else. I just… I just didn’t expect it is all. I know I should, but I just. Didn’t,” he ends lamely.

And that’s the entire story. That’s all Yuuri saw. ‘Famous Victor Nikiforov seen kissing another man at friend’s birthday party.’ And when Yuuri saw it, he froze up. He hasn’t seen much of Victor recently, both having the other blacklisted and both avoiding all topics of discussion that involve each other. He’s sure rumors circulate about him as well, and it’s not as if Yuuri hasn’t kissed another man since they broke up, but… but Yuuri regretted it right after and pushed that man away. He had gone out to see if he could love again right now. To see if he could find someone else to push him to his limits and support him along the way. To see if he could find someone else to make him forget all about Victor Nikiforov. But it didn’t work, and Yuuri just hasn’t tried again. He doesn’t want to try again. He’s too busy and too worried about himself and his future and his movies to do anything of the sorts, but seeing Victor trending all over Twitter when he got on wasn’t what he expected, and curiosity got the best of him, and then he was spammed with pictures of a pretty hot and heavy kiss between Victor and another man.

And it shouldn’t hurt anymore.

Yuuri doesn’t know why it still hurts so much. He loathes Victor. He isn’t even sure why. He supposes it’s to do with the hurtful things they said about each other after a few months of having been broken up. He supposes it has to do with the way they broke it off. He supposes it has to do with everything that could have happened between the two of them, but didn’t. He supposes it has to do with unresolved feelings that they know they’re never going to talk about. It could be about anything, but it doesn’t matter because Yuuri doesn’t want to talk to him again. He doesn’t want to be near him again. He doesn’t want any of that to happen again, but he doesn’t want to see him in the news either.

He doesn’t want to see him move on when Yuuri clearly hasn’t, and that’s so selfish of him to say that, to even think that, but it’s true. It’s true and cruel, but Yuuri doesn’t know what to do about it, he can’t do anything about it, and he doesn’t even really want to.

Why can’t he just move on? Why does it still hurt so much? Why did he ever have to fall in love with Victor in the first place?

Yuuri realizes that Phichit has stopped holding his hand when he comes back with water, and Yuuri wonders when he even left.

“Here,” Phichit says, handing it to him. Yuuri takes it.

“Thank you,” he whispers. He takes a sip of it, feeling it soothe his throat, and his mind, and Yuuri loves Phichit for being such a good friend.

“Are you sure you don’t want to cancel the pap walk?” Phichit asks.

Yuuri stands up, feeling himself almost fall in the process, but he catches himself, he always catches himself, and he can continue to catch himself. He has to.

“I’m sure,” he simply says. And Phichit just smiles at him.

Yuuri will forget Victor.

(He has to.)

 

 

[DECEMBER 2016]

 

“Happy birthday, Victor. Here’s your present,” Mila says, smiling wildly as she holds out a manila envelope. Victor frowns at her.

“What is it?” he asks. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the gifts Mila gives him, it’s just that he doesn’t trust the gifts Mila gives him. He’ll never forget the squirrel incident.

She rolls her eyes. “Open it and find out. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

Victor just stares at her. “The word ‘pleasant’ doesn’t usually follow after your surprises though.”

She glares at him. “Just _open it_.”

He finally gives in, laughing a bit, and takes the envelope. He doesn’t feel anything moving inside so he figures it’s okay.

And what he pulls out is a script.

“A script? Really? Is that all you got me?” he pouts. She rolls her eyes again.

“Maybe. Maybe not. You still have your Christmas gift, you know. But look at it, will you? I think you’ll really like it, Victor.”

He purses his lips, but immediately focuses on the script. “Who’s directing?” he asks, skimming over the first few pages.

“Yakov,” she quietly responds. Victor’s gaze immediately snaps back up to her, and he frowns. Victor is stunned for a few seconds, but clears his throat.

“Yakov is?”

“Yes. I just said that,” she says.

“But… but he—”

“He’s come back. He says he wants you to be in his movie. He thinks you’ll be perfect, and honestly Victor… after reading the script, I think you will be.”

Victor doesn’t know what to say. “What’s with the title? _Pigeon Alley_? What’s that mean?”

She rolls her eyes again. “If you read it, you’ll know. And when you know, I bet you anything you’ll be calling me and telling me how much you want it.”

“It’s really that good?”

She nods. “Yes. It really is. And it’s important to Yakov that you be in it. I’ll tell you more details after you accept it.”

“After?”

She smirks. “You’ll accept it, Victor. Now, _please_ read it. It won’t take long. You can tell me all about it at the Christmas party in a few hours. I need to go, okay? _Read it._ ”

He laughs, giving her a quick hug. “Alright alright. Can’t believe you’re leaving me when you’re going to be back in a few hours anyway. Why is it always me hosting the party?” He sighs dramatically.

“Because you have the biggest house. Obviously. Now, read it. _Bye._ ”

And then she’s gone, but Victor has already settled down on his couch, Makkachin at his feet, script in hand, and future in mind.

 

He calls her an hour later. She picks up on the second ring.

“Mila, I _love_ it. I want it. Please. Please please. Does Yakov want me to play Devon? I don’t see how I could play Toshio so I’d have to be Devon, right? Anyway, I want _on_.”

Mila laughs. “See? I told you you’d love it. And yes, he wants you to play Devon. But Victor… there’s something else you need to know.”

Victor doesn’t care what it is. He wouldn’t care if his most hated nemesis would live with him every day if he could play this character. He wouldn’t care if the world ended in three years. He’s excited to play Devon. He’s excited for this, and it’s something new, and refreshing, and he _needs_ this. He’s tired of the roles he continuously plays now. He’s tired of romantic comedies without connection, he’s tired of unnecessary dramas, he’s tired of idiotic plotlines designed to make money, this is _real_ , and he _loves_ it, and _nothing_ is going to stop him.

“What is it?” he asks, feeling elated. There’s a long pause, and Mila clears her throat awkwardly. Victor wonders if there’s possibly anything that she could say that would not make him want this role. He doubts it.

“Well, erm,” she starts.

“Come on, Mila,” he chuckles. She clears her throat again, and Victor just waits.

“Yakov wants Yuuri to play Toshio.”

Oh.

“Yuuri as in… Yuuri Katsuki? As in that Yuuri? As in the Yuuri that I used to… know?”

She clears her throat once again, and Victor realizes he’s holding in his breath. “Yes. That Yuuri.”

“Oh,” he says.

“Victor?” she asks.

(But he wants the role. He needs this role. This role would be good for him, both professionally and mentally, and if Victor were to deny this role, he’d be the biggest idiot of them all.

But working with Yuuri again… seeing him every day… being near him after everything that happened… Victor doesn’t know if he can do that.

He _can_.

He can’t he can’t he can’t—

 _No._ He can’t think like this. _He can._ )

“I still want the role. It’s not… it’s not possible to even try to convince Yakov to find someone else, is it? I know other actors that would be a good Toshio as well… I can help him… I could—”

Mila sighs. “You know Yuuri is perfect for the role, Victor. He wants you and Yuuri. He knows your past, but he’s convinced that there isn’t a better working pair than the two of you. And he’s confident that you can both be professional and overcome your past to work for your future. Because Victor, I’m sure you know it, but this would be so good for you. So good for your career, and it’s not that you’re doing badly, but this could win you awards, Victor. This could put your name in film history. And I think you know that. But I think you can do it, Victor. I really do.”

Victor cannot speak. His heart is beating loudly, and the phone is beginning to warm his cheek, and he knows he’d be an idiot to deny this role, and he knows that Yuuri is perfect for Toshio, but… but it’s still _difficult._

But Victor Nikiforov is not one to shy away from difficulties.

“I’ll take it.”

“Excellent!” Mila exclaims. “Now I’ll actually give you your present. See you soon, Niki!”

She hangs up, and Victor is left to stand in silence. His heart is still beating, and he briefly wonders when Yuuri will see the script, what he’ll think about it, if he’ll agree to it or not when he finds out that Victor would be his co-star.

A large part of Victor hopes that he doesn’t take it. He doesn’t want to see Yuuri. He doesn’t want to speak to him. He doesn’t even understand how he can possibly work with him, but he knows he wants this role enough that he’ll at least try.

(But another part of him, a part that Victor doesn’t ever want to acknowledge again, lights up at the idea of seeing Yuuri again.

And that hurts most of all.)

 

 

[JANUARY 2017]

 

“Yuuri!” Phichit practically sings as he enters his house. Yuuri looks up from his book, and looks at him curiously.

“Phichit? What is it?”

“I found a script for you!” he exclaims, bounding over to him.

“You did! Who’s directing?” Yuuri asks, immediately taking the script from Phichit and opening it. He’s been looking for a new movie to do for _ages_ now, but everything that’s been brought to him just hasn’t gotten his attention.

“Yakov is! He’s had the script for a while, but he was so busy trying to find others to work on it, and he’s been going through his whole thing with Lilia….”

“Yeah, I heard about that,” Yuuri mumbled, heart constricting at the mention of Yakov. With Yakov only comes memories of Victor, and that’s hard for him to think about or even acknowledge.

He quickly reads through the script as Phichit makes himself at home by skipping off into the kitchen to make food for himself.

Half an hour later, Yuuri has finished, and he’s… _astonished._

“Who _wrote_ this?!” he exclaims, flipping to the front. “Otabek Altin?” he wonders aloud.

Phichit has already joined him, and he smiles. “Yeah! Apparently, he’s a new young writer, and this will be his first movie. He’s written for short films in the past, but he turned in this script for Yakov to read, and well, there goes Yakov declaring he’ll no longer be in retirement. It’s good, right?”

“ _Amazing_ ,” Yuuri says. “And Yakov wants me to play Toshio?”

“Yes. He thinks you’re perfect for it,” Phichit says, smiling brightly. Yuuri blushes under the compliment, but doesn’t negate it. He did feel a certain connection with Toshio when reading it.

“Who’s playing Devon?” he asks.

Phichit stiffens, smile frozen in place, and Yuuri frowns.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, honestly… uhm… Yakov hasn’t chosen an actor to play Devon yet. That’s why he’s so worried. But he’ll find… someone.”

Yuuri just peers at him, wondering why it feels like something isn’t right.

“So there isn’t an actor for Devon yet? Am I the only actor he’s chosen?”

Phichit nods, but it’s unsure. “I think so, yeah.”

Yuuri frowns at him. “Okay….”

Phichit looks away. Yuuri decides to ignore it. Phichit is hiding something, but if it was truly important, Yuuri knows he’d tell him.

“Well, I want the role. Tell him I’m beyond honored.”

Phichit smiles. “Yay!” he exclaims. “I’m so glad you liked it. I thought you would, and I think you’ll really enjoy working with Yakov again.”

Yuuri nods, a small smile on his face. “Yeah. It’s exciting,” he admits.

“I’ll call him now! Be right back, Yuuri!” He bounds off before Yuuri can even try to pry more into what made him so quiet before, and Yuuri looks back down at the script.

It’s good. Oscar-level and above kind of good, and Yuuri briefly wonders about the Altin kid that wrote it. This script is the reason Yakov came out of retirement. This script inspired Yakov enough not only to kick start Yakov’s career again, but to work with Yuuri again, and Yuuri just so _floored_ by all of this.

He’s excited. He’s excited.

(He vaguely wonders what movies Victor is working on.

And he tries to let himself forget that when reading it, he pictured Victor as Devon.

Ridiculous.

He’s being absolutely ridiculous.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any comments and kudos are appreciated! love you all. xxxx
> 
> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://literallynothingbutvictuuri.tumblr.com/)  
> xxx


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe I'm already ready to post this chapter. I'm usually such a bad updater, but man, have I written this. I'm going to try to do this for the next two chapters as well (we'll seeeee). 
> 
> anyway, the response to this was amazing I don't understand WHAT. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

[NOVEMBER 2009]

 

“What do you want to eat for dinner tonight?” Victor asks when Yakov calls for another cut. Yuuri blinks at him.

“I don’t care, honestly. Do you want to go out or stay in?” he asks, absentmindedly reaching over and lacing his fingers with Victor’s. Victor beams at him.

“ _Yuuri. Victor_ ,” Yakov says. They don’t hear him.

“I’m okay with both, you know that,” Victor responds, still looking at Yuuri like he’s the best thing to exist.

“ _Hello_?” They don’t even look at him.

Yuuri blushes. “I know that. But I feel like I always choose. You choose this time.” Victor squeezes his hand, and leans forward.

“ _Pay attention!_ ” He just isn’t important enough compared to each other.

“I like when you choose though. That means I don’t have to,” he whispers softly, as if it’s a secret. Yuuri huffs.

“That’s not _fair_ , Victor. I _hate_ choosing. What if we just ask someone else to choose?” he asks.

“ _I will fire you!_ ” They ignore him.

Victor smiles even wider, and leans forward more, so close they’re almost kissing, so close their noses are just barely touching, so close that Yakov finally storms over and rips them apart.

“Pay attention!” he exclaims. Yuuri blushes wildly at the intrusion and the realization that they were so absorbed with each other that they forgot they were still on set. Victor doesn’t even look ashamed. Yuuri blushes enough for the pair of them to make up for it.

“Yakov,” Victor whines, pouting. Yakov shakes his head.

“ _No_. I don’t care that you’ve suddenly found your soulmate in each other! You are actors! You are actors and I hired you thinking the two of you were professional enough to behave professionally in a _professional_ environment! I can’t have the two main leads not behaving properly! Now, get over each other for the next couple of hours and _act_!”

Yuuri immediately opens his mouth to let loose his stream of apologies, but Victor beats him to it.

“I’m sorry, Yakov,” he says sincerely. He glances at Yuuri though, and the sincerity drops off his face and a wicked smile replaces it. “He’s just so _cute_ though! I can’t help it! I want to kiss him every time I see him and not kissing him makes me want to kiss him even _more_!”

Yuuri blushes even more, but not even he can deny that. He wants to kiss Victor just as much. He just… _loves_ him so much, and kissing him is _so so_ nice.

Yakov glares at him. “Victor, I will kick your ass if you say something like that to me again. You are professional actors. You can wait a few hours to kiss your boyfriend whether you think so or not.”

Victor looks distraught. “Oh, but _can_ I?!”

“Yes!” Yakov responds, not letting Victor be overdramatic for even a second more. “Now get back in your place and say the damn lines assigned to you!” He turns to Yuuri, glaring at him too (it’s a nicer glare at least). “And don’t think you’re completely innocent either! You are just as bad! Looking at him with those _I’m-so-in-love_ eyes. Pay attention and forget for a second that you’re in love with an idiot!”

He turns back around, and stalks off to his seat, looking behind him every once in a while to glare at Yuuri and Victor to make sure they’re getting ready to act again.

“Are the two of you ready?” he grunts.

Yuuri nods, and Victor chimes a lovely, “Yes, Lord Director.”

Yuuri tries his best to stifle his laugh.

Yakov’s eyebrow twitches. Victor is smirking. Yakov’s glare has the passion of galaxies behind it.

And Yuuri gives in.

He laughs for what seems like hours, days even, and Victor makes some other remark about Yakov just being jealous of their relationship and wondering aloud, “Maybe he wants to join in?” Yakov is glaring daggers at them both.

“We haven’t even started yet!” he cries.

“You’re so mean to us, Yakov!” Victor exclaims, throwing a large smile in Yuuri’s direction, who has finally stopped laughing. Yuuri grins at him.

“I love you,” he mouths. And Victor goes still for a moment, but just a second later, his eyes have brightened, his cheeks are reddening, and his smile has become the very sun, and Yuuri is so in love with this man.

“ _STOP IT!_ ” Yakov shouts.

“I love you too,” Victor mouths back, and Yuuri’s heart is racing, the blood is rushing, his soul is melding with Victor’s, and Yuuri can’t ever imagine loving someone else as much as he loves Victor.

“ _Please_ ,” Yakov begs.

They both laugh.

And start the whole process over.

(It’s a miracle they weren’t fired. But then again, their contracts protected them most of all.

Plus Yakov loved them too much.)

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2017]

 

Yuuri is bouncing in spot, nerves on fire, but his excitement an ocean of emotion. Phichit stands at his side. Yuuri is clutching the script in hand, reading his lines over and over again, trying to make sure he didn’t miss anything too important.

“Yuuri…” Phichit suddenly says, breaking Yuuri’s thought process. They're waiting for the first read-through. Yuuri got the call a few days ago that the cast has finally been chosen, and they wanted to do a quick read-through to make sure they all worked well together. And Yuuri knows he basically has a guaranteed spot in this movie, but he’s _nervous_.

“Yeah, Phichit?” he asks, slowing his nervous movements.

Phichit bites at his lip, but smiles at Yuuri nonetheless.

“So there’s something you need to… know,” he says, sounding incredibly unsure. Yuuri frowns at him. He hasn’t seen Phichit this nervous since Phichit was there with Yuuri when he was crying about Victor kissing another man, and that was nearly two years ago.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, finally going completely still. Phichit looks at the ground.

“So, you… do you remember when I told you that Yakov hadn’t found an actor to play Devon when I gave you the script last month?” he asks.

Yuuri just nods, feeling a sense of dread creep up on him.

Phichit grimaces. “Well, you see the funny thing is, well, basically, Victor is playing Devon. Yakov wanted Devon to be played by… well, Victor,” he says in a rush.

Yuuri’s heartbeats are loud loud loud loud loud.

(How did he come to expect this? He remembers reading the script for the first time, he remembers his brief thoughts that when reading it, Victor was all over the character Devon, but he dismissed them, they weren’t important, what were they? Hopeful? Bitter? Spiteful? Wanting? _Yuuri can’t think like this_.)

But that isn’t what’s the problem. Of course Victor would be a good Devon. He’d be amazing at it, the fucker. And Yuuri isn’t nervous, but this is unexpected, this isn’t good, he’s going to be seeing Victor today again after all these years?

“I’ll be reading lines with Victor in less than an hour,” he suddenly says, feeling how the words feel on his tongue, taste in his mouth, exist in his brain.

Phichit flinches. “Yes.”

Yuuri looks at him, and he’s surprised he’s not angrier at him. Usually, this would make him angry. He’s upset that Phichit lied to him, but he knows why he did it… and he’s grateful. Because if Phichit had told Yuuri that Victor would be acting in this movie, if Yuuri had known all that before he fell even more in love with the script, with the characters and plot, he wouldn’t have ever fallen in love with the script in the first place. He wouldn’t have even gone to see the movie.

He would have turned down the role, despite his best interests because if there’s one thing Yuuri knows true and well about himself it’s that he doesn’t always do things without thoroughly thinking it through.

And that’s somehow so heartbreaking to Yuuri. So Yuuri can’t be mad at Phichit. He’s not happy with him either, but… but he still understands why.

“I’m not angry with you,” Yuuri finally decides on saying, and all the tension in Phichit’s body instantly releases.

“I am sorry though,” he replies. Yuuri nods, smiling softly at him.

“Really, it’s okay,” responds Yuuri. He reaches forward, grabbing Phichit for a hug, and he just whispers a quiet ‘thank you.’

“I’m happy you’re doing the movie,” Phichit says when they let go of each other.

Yuuri nods, still smiling. “I’m glad you didn’t tell me, honestly. I really wouldn’t have done it if I had kno—”

The door is opening, and Yuuri freezes, his heart beating loudly and annoyingly, and the door is still opening, and Yuuri doesn’t want to see Victor, he doesn’t want to see Victor, Victor is such an asshole, he doesn’t want to see Victor, and the door is opening, and it’s

Mila.

Yuuri instantly deflates, but still sends a strained smile toward her. He can’t be too rude to her though. He still likes her. He just associates her with Victor, and that’s incredibly hard for him to handle.

“Hi, Mila!” Phichit says, brightening. She sends her own smile to him, and Yuuri sighs, deciding to take action. He takes a few steps forward, holding out his hand, and right after he says, “Mila, nice to see you a—” she takes a few steps forward and to the right, and there stands Victor, and Yuuri doesn’t understand how he didn’t see him in the first place.

Yuuri is frozen, taken by surprise at his own anger and confusion rushing through him, and his hand drops to his side, motionless and without purpose.

Yuuri knows it’s awkward. He knows this. He knows this. Victor is staring straight at him, and he’s only getting better looking with age—no, Yuuri, don’t think that, Victor is just staring at him, there isn’t that smile on his face, there isn’t any hatred or emotion, and Yuuri wants to _strangle_ him.

He swallows past his feelings, taking a few steps back before clearing his throat uncomfortably, and looking to the side of Victor’s face.

“Victor… hello,” he says. Victor flinches when he speaks. He hasn’t spoken a word to Victor Nikiforov in two years, and before that, it had been three more.

(Yuuri is _angry_ at him.)

“Hi, Yuuri,” he simply says, and Yuuri hears that voice again, hears the musical lilt to it that just makes his very being, hears the faded memories of those words being said to him being replaced with the stiff introduction he just gave.

Yuuri opens his mouth to say something else. Say something like “Nice to see you” or “Are you doing well?” or _anything_ , but nothing comes out. Nothing fucking comes out because Yuuri doesn’t want to say any of that to Victor, and he doesn’t want to hear any of the responses either.

And of course that’s when another door is opening, and in walks Yakov with one Otabek Altin at his side. Yuuri notes a few others, already sitting in the room such as the producer and some of the casting directors. Yuuri also notices that there isn’t another actor in the room, and briefly wonders where everybody else is.

He expresses this question, vehemently ignoring Victor walking up to be by his side.

Yakov frowns, looking at the pair of them before finally just grunting out, “This read-through today is strictly between the two of you. We want to make sure the two of you are professional enough to still have a good working relationship together despite… past incidents.”

Yuuri nods stiffly, and Victor doesn’t move a damn muscle.

(A flash of a smiling, happy and flirty boy springs up in his mind, and Yuuri is rushing forward, leaning forward, pushing it down with all his might, but it grows and grows and grows.)

“Okay,” Yuuri just says.

Victor nods.

(Yuuri wants to punch him in the face, and he’s shocked by the aggression he feels, he isn’t one to be violent, but he’s so frustrated, so angry, so _hurt_.)

They both take a seat from across each other, and the others settle in as well.

Yakov grunts again, but motions to Otabek Altin this time. 

“I’m sure you know this already, but this is Otabek Altin. He wrote the script, and will be working closely with me and the producer to make this movie as close to the vision he had when writing it.”

Surprisingly, it’s Victor that speaks up. “You’re quite lenient on this movie, then? You’re usually more uptight about directing, Yakov.”

Before, before when they were younger, younger and in love, in love so in love in love in love in love, Yuuri would have found Victor’s gentle teasing to be endearing. He would have held back a smile or kicked him playfully, but he just stays still, and wonders how the voice he was so in love with back then can sound so grating to his ears.

Yakov snorts. “You’re actually right this time, Victor. But, Otabek expressed his wishes for the script before even letting me read it, and I’m very impressed. I think his way will work better than most. I’m letting him use my name to establish himself in the movie industry. I’ll probably retire again afterwards. I was quite serious about that, you know.”

Otabek speaks up next. He’s quite handsome, Yuuri notes, but not handsome in the way that Yuuri would ever look at it. He’s far too intimidating for Yuuri, and in this case, a coworker and younger than him. “Hi. I’m Otabek. I’m very grateful you agreed to playing my two leads, and I am also very grateful to you, Yakov, for supporting me this much.”

“Stop being grateful to me. You have talent, kid. Own up to it,” Yakov responds, and Otabek laughs softly before directing his attention back on Yuuri and Victor.

“Are there any questions you have about the two leads at all? Or anything at all? If you don’t then I think just going right into it would be best,” he says. Yuuri is already impressed with him. He’s professional, straight-to-the-point, but charming in a way that’s not obnoxious.

Yuuri just shakes his head, but Victor nods in contrast.

“Actually, I do have one, yes. Why did you… why did you want Devon and Toshio to meet again after nine years? I’m just curious about the ending really,” he asks. Yuuri doesn’t react to him at all.

Otabek looks at him for a long moment, but eventually nods as well. “Well, I think that love prevails over all. I know that’s a big cliché in many stories, and even in life, but I think there’s a big truth under the cliché. Clichés became clichés because they were popular, and they were so popular because they were real. And I wanted to present this story in a very real sense, and I just… I don’t think that everything Devon and Toshio went through in Pigeon Alley, everything they learned together, everything they learned about each other, can be so easily removed just because they woke up. And I wanted them to meet again. It was destined they meet again. Because… their love was just something so rare, so unique, and they didn’t separate because they wanted to, they separated because they were forced to, and I believe, especially in cases like those, love can so easily prevail. Love dictates our society whether it be the opposite of love or variations of each or neither, love is the cruel master and loving mother that presides over all of humanity. And I… well, I wanted to represent that as best as I could… does that make sense?”

Everybody is stunned, including Yuuri.

“Wow,” one of the casting directors (Sara?) says. Mila throws her an amused look and chimes in as well.

“Yeah, I second that. _Wow_.”

Yuuri’s gaze slips to Yakov, and Yakov is beaming at Otabek. Otabek is still looking at Victor, and when Yuuri lets his gaze follow Otabek’s, he sees that Victor is still frozen in place. Yuuri can’t even tell if he’s breathing.

“Victor?” Mila asks, pushing at his side a bit. He blinks rapidly a few times, meets eye contact with Yuuri, and then abruptly looks away.

“T-that makes sense. Thank you, Otabek,” Victor says. Otabek nods pleasantly, a very light blush covering his face.

“You’re welcome, Victor. So, any more questions?” Otabek asks.

“Yeah, can you give me all of my life advice?” Mila purrs out, placing her chin in her hands as she leans on the table. Yuuri fights back a smile, and Yakov hisses at her to stop it. Otabek barely seems to notice.

He seems happy to finally being able to start, and Yuuri can barely even imagine his place. He’s sure hearing actors read out the lines he wrote means something very special to him.

“Ready to start?” he asks.

Everybody nods.

And so they begin.

 

 

[JANUARY 2016]

 

Victor got too drunk again last night. His head is pounding, his throat is burning, and his ears are ringing, but Mila booked him yet another interview again today, and he has to be here unless he wants her to yell at him for hours on end.

She barely even knows about the drinking.

The interviewer is a woman, and she’s introduced herself to Victor already, but Victor can’t for the life of him, remember her name. She’s pretty.

(Like that matters to Victor.)

They talked about his latest movie for the first part of the show, but when he had no information to give about any upcoming projects, she quickly moved onto his personal life (AKA none of her fucking business).

“So it’s been almost four years since your infamous breakup with Yuuri Katsuki, correct?” she suddenly asks, and Victor frowns at her, thinking backwards (or is it forwards?) in his head about what the date is today. Is it already _that day_? What’s the day today?

“What’s the date today?” he asks. (He drunk this morning too. He shouldn’t have. He didn’t mean to. Somehow he thought drinking would help cure his hangover from last night. He wonders if he smells like alcohol.)

She laughs, obviously thinking he’s just joking around, but then he asks again because _what’s the date today_.

She laughs again, albeit a bit awkwardly this time, but eventually she quietly responds, “It’s the 12th today. January 12th, 2016.”

Victor doesn’t mean to, but he scoffs when she adds on the year at the end. So tacky. So damn tacky. She looks a little shocked. God, his head is _pounding_.

“It hasn’t been four years yet then,” is what he says next. She doesn’t say anything, and Victor thinks how she isn’t even being a good interviewer then since she’s not even speaking. “We broke up on the 13th. It’s the 12th. It hasn’t been four years yet.”

It sounds pathetic even to his own ears. Sounds like he’s reaching for something, climbing up a ladder that never ends, searching for something that’s already been found. But he keeps talking. He just keeps fucking talking, and the interviewer is simply staring at him, wide-eyed and confused. Fuck, his head _hurts_. His mind _HURTS_.

“He broke up with me. On the 13th. It hasn’t been four years yet. It hasn’t fucking been four years yet so don’t say it has been, okay?”

(The words are mean, he’s being so mean, he’s never this mean, but he’s so sad sad sad, and angry, he’s so _angry_ at Yuuri, and he knows he said some shitty things to him afterwards too, but they haven’t talked since last year, and last year was a disaster, and Victor is _angry_ and absolutely _pissed_ , in both ways.)

He vaguely sees Mila motioning at him to stop in the corner of his eye, but he can’t stop. He’s too hurt, too drunk, too hungover and wasted to think about any of this clearly, and he doesn’t want to be here, having people who don’t know him ask him questions that make it seem like they do.

“I fucking hate interviews,” he continues to say. “I hate them. You’re all so nosy. So fucking nosy. It was my relationship with Yuuri, and it was because of you that it was ruined. So just _fuck_ _off_.”

And he’s standing up, and the interview was on live television, but that doesn’t matter because Mila is suddenly holding him, he’s crying, and he’s being rushed, whisked away to another room because nobody is allowed to see him like this why would they ask him so many questions?

“Victor….” is all Mila says.

Victor shakes his head.

“No,” he responds shakily. “No, ignore this. I’m sorry.” He’s crying. Why the hell is he crying?

(Stop crying stop crying, you _fool_.) Mila is rubbing circles on his back, and it’s so quiet in this room he hates it so much. His voice is shaky when he continues to speak. “Book more interviewers. I’ll help with damage control. I’ll help as much as I can. Sorry.”

She shushes him, and he doesn’t know how long they’re in there, but when they leave, it’s much darker than it was before, and his stomach is hurting from hunger, but when Mila drops him off, he doesn’t eat, he doesn’t eat, he drinks and drinks and drinks.

 

 

[MARCH 2016]

 

“So, Yuuri, we have a little game for you!”

Yuuri grins widely, raising an eyebrow at the audience (cue laughter) and then turns back to the interviewer.

“What is it?” he asks. Phichit gives him the thumbs up from behind the set.

“Well, it’s called ‘Keep A Straight Face.’”

“That might be a little hard for me considering I’m gay,” Yuuri says before he can help himself. The audience laughs again, and the interviewer rolls his eyes, smiling nonetheless.

“Well, well, look who _did_ have it in them after all. I predicted this, I did. Anyway, the game consists of us showing you videos in which you have to keep a straight face. If you break your expression, you lose!” He says dramatically.

“What happens if I lose?” Yuuri asks, still grinning.

“You owe me… another interview this year!”

“What about you! Are you playing? What do you even have to lose?” Yuuri asks. He’s having fun. This is fun.

The man grins at him. “Absolutely nothing at all. That’s the beauty in it, you see.”

Yuuri groans theatrically, and the audience laughs once again. This is _fun_.

“ _Also_ , we like to personalize the videos our contestants watch so every video you’re going to watch is related to you somehow! It may be sad, funny, scary, creepy, you name it! All Yuuri has to do is keep a straight face, and he wins!”

The audience cheers loudly at that, and Yuuri nods, determined to win.

“Now, I haven’t seen all these videos yet either! So, I’ll compete with you anyway just to see if I have a better poker face than you do.”

Yuuri laughs, rolling his eyes. “Competition only makes me better,” he lies, chuckling. They believe him.

“Roll the first video!” the interviewer suddenly yells, and the lights go out and a video starts to play. Yuuri recognizes it immediately and wants to groan, but no no no, he _can’t_. So, he watches in pure agony at his younger self acting out on his audition tape and telling his mom to leave the room so he can ‘act properly’. It’s honestly so ridiculous, and everybody is laughing, but Yuuri isn’t allowed to move, this is _torture_.

 _Finally_ , the video comes to an end, and Yuuri relaxes, raising a challenging nod to his opponent, who just laughs in response and calls for the next video.

The video looks fairly new this time, and suddenly, Victor is on the screen, and Yuuri is grateful he’s supposed to remain still at least because he can’t move. Yuuri has to stop himself from frowning when he realizes he isn’t in this interview at all, and he wants to make some kind of comment about it, asking _what is this_ , but then it zooms in, and the interview begins.

The lady interviewing him is very pretty, and they start off talking about that movie Victor just finished a couple of months ago. Yuuri notices that he’s acting pretty oddly as well, but no, he can’t be concerned with that anymore, and what does this interview have to do with Yuuri? The audience has also gone silent, and when the video cuts ahead, Yuuri hears a voice in the crowd shout at someone to turn it off, this isn’t right, and Yuuri wants to _react_ because _what is this_?

Yuuri focuses back on the video, and Yuuri wants to know why Victor looks so bad, looks so… is he _drunk_?

And then the woman asks about him. Her voice has no emotion in it when she asks about how it’s been _four years since they broke up, correct_? And Victor… loses it. Yuuri can’t hear anything else around him as he stares up at this video in horror, and the interviewer next to him has left his side (where is he?) and Yuuri watches as Victor rants about how it hadn’t been four years yet, how interviewers are so nosy, and most of all, how it was all their fault they had broken up in the first place.

(The Oscars all over again it’s happening again Yuuri doesn’t want to see this at all.)

And Yuuri knows he’s already lost the game, but he doesn’t want to watch this anymore he doesn’t want to watch this anymore. Just as Victor is being escorted off stage, the video ends, and Yuuri is left to stare in horror up at the screen.

His heart is racing, and he realizes in even greater horror that he’s crying. Quickly, and what he realizes that night isn’t all that discreetly, he wipes away his tears and puts a big smile back on his face.

The interviewer has come back, and is staring at him, terrified of Yuuri’s response. The crowd is silent. Everything is so silent.

Yuuri can’t do this he can’t do this he can’t allow himself to think about any of this, any of _him_ anymore.

So he turns to the crowd, keeps the big smile and makes it even bigger, and jokingly says, “Well, guess I lost, huh?”

(The audience laughs.)

 

 

[JUNE 2010]

 

They’re at another convention for their show, and Yuuri and Victor love conventions because there’s nothing stopping them from randomly hugging their fans or just randomly kissing each other in public.

“So, do you know when the show might end?” one fan asks from the crowd.

Yakov responds. “Yes. I can now say the official end date of the show. But I’m just going to tell you the year.” Everybody groans, but waits in suspense. Yakov smirks. “Ready…?” They’re basically leaning on the edges of their seats, and Yuuri and Victor are holding hands under the table, and leaning so much into each other, they’ve basically become one. “ _Completely Oblivious_ will officially be ending NEXT year!” he finally exclaims.

“Yuuri and Victor! Do you think this will affect your relationship at all?!” they ask. Victor shakes his head, too caught up in Yuuri to really respond. Yuuri blushes.

“N-no, not really. I think that we’ll be sad to not be working together anymore, but I have confidence that we can get through anything.”

Victor beams at the crowd, and waves at them, nodding even more at the girl who asked the question.

“Hear that?!” he asks. “We can get through _anything!_ ”

She giggles, and Yuuri smiles, touched by Victor’s passion. They squeeze each other’s hands and wrap their legs around the other underneath the table.

And Yuuri really does believe it.

They can get through anything at all.

(The rest of his day goes very well indeed. Week, even. Year, actually. They can get through anything they can get through anything they can get through anything they can get through anything they can get through anyth—)

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2017]

 

Victor calls Chris when he starts to psyche himself out at the prospect of tomorrow, and what it means.

“Victor!” Chris exclaims when he picks up, and Victor can’t help but smile.

“Hey, Chris,” he laughs, grimacing when he hears how strained it is. Chris notices of course.

“What’s up? You sound like shit,” he says.

Victor is pacing around his house, but that doesn’t matter, all that matters is tomorrow.

“I’m… I’m seeing Yuuri tomorrow. For the first time since the Oscars. And speaking to him. I have to _talk_ to him.”

“Shit,” Chris sighs, and Victor laughs weakly in response. Chris is so genuine about his feelings, and open about it, and Victor can’t handle subtlety or mystery, he just wants blunt comfort, and Christophe Giacometti is the perfect person for just that.

“Yeah, well… I started freaking myself out about it in the past hour, and I wanted to talk to someone to calm my damn nerves,” Victor says. Chris whistles into the phone.

“Completely understandable too, Victor. Shit, man. That’s such shit. Are you thinking about anything in particular?”

Victor sighs, still pacing frantically all around his home. “I don’t know? I mean, I’m nervous about seeing him, of course. But I’m _upset_ at him, but I’m also scared when I’ll see him I’ll just start crying? Which is _pathetic_ , and I’m not a huge crier, but with Yuuri, I always was. I’m worried I’ll say something I don’t mean to say. I’m just… nervous and worried and scared and kind of weirdly excited?”

“That’s a shit ton of emotions, Victor,” Chris laughs. Victor doesn’t laugh, can’t laugh, hasn’t felt this serious while sober in a long while, and he just doesn’t say anything. “But do you want to see him, Victor?” he finally asks, continuing the conversation.

Victor doesn’t know.

(He does.)

“I’m not sure. I’m so nervous so I just… I don’t know, I’m _nervous_.”

Chris sighs. “I’m not asking if you’re nervous, Victor. I’m asking if you want to see him or not.”

Victor doesn’t want to think about this. He doesn’t want to think about even admitting anything of the sorts to himself. He can’t do it. He can’t do this. Not again not again not again.

“I mean, I _have_ to see him. I’m going to have to speak and do a read-through with him,” Victor lamely replies.

Victor can feel Chris’s urge to strangle him coming from the phone, but Victor _doesn’t want to answer this question_.

“ _Victor_ ,” Chris tries again. Victor knows he won’t stop until he answers.

(He could lie he could lie he could always just lie to him.)

“I—”

“Do you want to see him, Victor? Not because you _have_ to or because you have _things to say to him_ , but do you just want to _see_ him?”

Victor swallows, and finally stops pacing. His house is too large for pacing anyway. Everything is just so fucking large when he’s alone like this, and he’s been alone for such a long time now, and no matter how much shit he brings into this house, it still suffocates him, it’s still so small, it’s still not enough, something is missing, something is missing something is missing something is _missing_.

But he blinks a few times, steadying out his breathing, and Chris hasn’t spoken again, waiting for Victor’s answer.

And it’s so obvious to the pair of them, so obvious what’s on the tip of Victor’s tongue, but he doesn’t want to _say_ it.

“Yes,” he replies. “I want to see him.”

Chris lets out another quiet sigh. It’s sad. It’s sad for Victor, and Victor can’t respond to that right now. He wouldn’t know how. “Shit,” Chris repeats.

Victor laughs abruptly at that, and just nods. “‘ _Shit’_ indeed.”

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2015]

 

Neil Patrick Harris was the host for the Oscars this year, and Victor was so so happy he was. Neil was a good friend of his, and he was one of the only reasons Victor even came. Victor wasn’t nominated for anything, but he was last year, and according to his lovely co-stars, the movie he was currently working on also ‘guaranteed him a spot next year.’

Victor has only just arrived when everything goes to shit. He hasn’t even been on the red carpet for more than five minutes when suddenly, there’s a large commotion from the drop off section. Victor wouldn’t have even spared a second thought if it weren’t for the fan he was signing a shirt for. Her eyes went wide, but not in the way that was awe or love, but fear and worry, and something in Victor’s stomach turned upside down, and before he could help himself, he was turning around.

Yuuri had stopped walking when they finally made eye contact. Dressed in a dark, azuline tux, Yuuri definitely stood out among others.

(Victor didn’t want Yuuri near him.)

The fans around them had gone weirdly quiet for a moment, but Yuuri suddenly shook his head, and kept walking. But Victor didn’t want to move. He didn’t want Yuuri to be here. Why was he even here anyway? He wasn’t nominated for something, was he?

As Yuuri kept walking toward him, it became fairly obvious that Victor hadn’t moved an inch, and Yuuri’s steps began to slow down.

And then Victor caught sight of Yuuri’s shoes. The same shoes he bought Yuuri for their anniversary five years ago. The same shoes that Yuuri would wear out on all their dates and “no other occasions are as good,” Yuuri would say. The same shoes that Victor never wanted to have to look at again.

And so, Victor _doesn’t move_.

He knows he’s being ridiculous. Yuuri could easily walk around him, but Victor doesn’t want Yuuri to be here. He can’t be here, and that’s so selfish, but Victor doesn’t _care_.

(A kiss to the lips, soft, a reminder of lilac orchids, and a promise to be the other’s dates when they first go to the Oscars.)

Yuuri has stopped walking. He looks upset, and Victor can’t help but think, _Good. Get angry. Yell at me. Pay attention to me. Yell at me yell at me. I want to make you so mad you go home. Go home go home, I don’t want you here._

Finally, Yuuri starts to walk again, but this time, tries to pass Victor on his left side, and Victor doesn’t know why he does it, doesn’t think enough to stop it, doesn’t think at all, but he steps right in front of him, blocking the way.

When Yuuri tries to pass him on the other side, Victor just moves to the side, blocking him once again.

The fans are screaming, and Yuuri looks so angry at him.

When Victor blocks his way two more times, Yuuri finally speaks up.

“ _Get out of the way_.”

And Victor smiles. It’s cruel. He’s being cruel, but he doesn’t want Yuuri here. He doesn’t want to think about Yuuri tonight. Why can’t he just go home?

“Victor, _move_ ,” Yuuri growls, trying to dodge past him quickly before being cut off, once again, by Victor himself.

Victor notes an uncomfortable silence pass over the crowd, and Yuuri tries again, and again and again and again to pass him, but Victor blocks him again and again and again and again. Nearly everybody around them has started to notice their little altercation, and Yuuri looks _furious_.

“ _Move,_ ” Yuuri tries again.

Victor debates on staying quiet or not, but he doesn’t, can’t, doesn’t even want to. He’s pissed too. “ _No_.”

Yuuri looks a little startled when he finally speaks, but his anger becomes harsher, and he glances around them, obviously trying to find a reason to not hurl Victor on his ass.

“Why are you doing this, Victor?” Yuuri asks, so softly Victor almost doesn’t hear him. Nobody else hears them either, and Victor immediately stiffens.

(Why is he doing this why is he doing this why is he doing this he’s being a damn _child_ about this. He isn’t one to do this, he’s never been this petty, this angry, this bitter, and upset, but it’s come crashing down on him, and last night, he was pictured getting plastered in a bar again, and the magazines won’t stop nagging him, and when he woke up to go on his morning run, there was a pap that followed him, and Victor keeps finding himself getting lonelier, lonelier, lonelier, and he misses something, he misses somebody, he misses _Yuuri_. No no no no no no no no—)

“I don’t want you here,” he growls out. He doesn’t. _GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY_! Why can’t Yuuri just _leave_?

Yuuri frowns. “I don’t care, Victor. I don’t care! Get over it, Victor! It’s been _years_ , it’s been years, and I don’t care! I have every right to be here just as much as you do, and considering you’re being the complete ass about this, I have even more of a right! If you don’t want to see me then _you_ leave,” Yuuri shouts. They’re making a scene now. They’re making a scene, and everybody shifts uncomfortably, and Victor, angrily, notices a few fans taking a video of them. Victor wonders why they haven’t been escorted off the carpet yet. Why they haven’t been asked to stop or leave or apologize or anything, and horrifyingly, Victor realizes they’re the spectacle of the night. They’re what’ll be in the news tonight, and tomorrow, and everybody will read about their “fight” in public, and people will choose sides, and the video will go viral on Twitter, and people won’t leave him alone why can’t they just fucking leave him alone!

And he’s angry. “Stop it!” he exclaims, and Yuuri frowns at first, but Victor isn’t talking to him. Victor isn’t talking to him. He’s talking to the people taking the videos, the pictures. He’s talking to the people coming up with the hashtags and the people who will write about it tomorrow, and Victor always knew this bothered him, but he never realized just how much. He just wants to go out and get drunk and have no one read about it! He doesn’t want everybody talking about his life!

(They’re the reason Yuuri broke up with him.)

“Stop taking videos of us! Stop taking pictures! We’re people! We have feelings! Just stop it!” he’s yelling at the fans, and Victor never imagined he’d be yelling at fans, he loves his fans, he adores his fans, but this is just too much too much too much _too much_.

Yuuri looks horrified, angry, and shocked, and suddenly, Yuuri is pushing at him.

“ _No_! You don’t get to _do_ that, Victor! You don’t get to _do this!_ You’re the one making a scene! We’re at the _Oscars_! You’re the one yelling! Stop blaming them for what happened between us!”

(And that stings. It hurts. And Victor knows, always knew that their rise to fame wasn’t the only reason they broke up. It may have been the tipping point to their fall, but it wasn’t the buildup, it wasn’t the end result, it was just another means to the same end.)

Victor has gone absolutely still, and Yuuri just glares at him. And Victor is _ashamed_.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. He isn’t talking to Yuuri, he isn’t talking to the fans, he doesn’t know who he’s even talking to, but he just knows he feels _sorry_.

Yuuri scoffs. “Fuck off and go home, Victor,” he growls. Victor isn’t looking at him. One of the fans he yelled at is crying, and Victor realizes that Yuuri is right. He _doesn’t_ deserve to be here.

“Sorry,” he mumbles again, and then he’s rushing off the red carpet, out the same way he came in.

(And he goes home, and cries and cries while he drinks and drinks.

The next day #VictorsBreakdown, #LeaveThemAlone, and #Victuuri are trending on Twitter.

Victor sleeps in.)

 

 

[MARCH 2017]

 

“Yuuri,” Victor greets politely. Yuuri nods, but never looks at him.

(How are they supposed to work together again?)

They’ve finally met the other people they’ll be working with, and after a few days of having discussions with Otabek, Yakov, and others and others about what they want to accomplish with the film, they’re ready to finally start filming.

They’re starting with the scene where they “meet” for the first time as Yakov bluntly said he’d think they’re at their best to act this scene out considering how awkward they are with each other.

(Both Victor and Yuuri agreed, but didn’t admit it.)

When both of them meet, they’re in Pigeon Alley so the clothes they’re wearing are a combination of fantasy meeting steampunk. Yuuri’s wearing nearly knee high black boots, a blue feathery blouse, tight black jeans, and a feather necklace. Victor is dressed in what makes him look like a medieval king who’s wearing black dress shoes.

(He tries not to look at the way the boots caress Yuuri’s shins. Inappropriate.)

Suddenly, Yuuri is talking to him.

“I want to be professional about this, Victor,” he says. “I really love this script, and I think you probably do too. Can we agree to ignore our… history together when we’re working? I’ll try my best. Can you?”

Victor is taken a little off-guard at first, but he forces a smile, and he nods. “I was thinking the same thing.” (No, he wasn’t.) “I will be as professional as I can. I don’t really want to talk to you outside of work so this works perfectly.”

Yuuri’s eyes widen a bit at Victor’s last statement, and Victor’s studied Yuuri’s habits and reactions enough to know that he’s a bit hurt by it.

(Victor feels a little bad, but he doesn’t comment on it.)

Yuuri nods, obviously strained. “Wonderful.”

“Wonderful,” Victor repeats.

(They don’t talk again until they begin acting.

Fortunately enough, when they act together, universes expand and the sun shines and shines and shines.

Yakov is pleased.)

 

 

[DECEMBER 2009]

 

“You know what I’m really excited for?” Yuuri mumbles, their legs tangling together while they lie in bed.

“What?” Victor asks. Yuuri blushes, and turns all the way over onto his side to look at Victor.

“I can’t wait to go the Oscars for the first time. With you.” He’s a little embarrassed to admit it, but Victor doesn’t find anything embarrassing about it at all. He beams at Yuuri, and shifts in to nuzzle his head into his neck.

“What about working on _movies_ together. We could co-star on a movie together, and then both go to the Oscars when it’s nominated,” Yuuri continues, his voice indicating that the possibility of that is so far away.

Victor smiles, nipping at his skin a bit. “I know we can do it, Yuuri,” he says.

Yuuri blushes again, but grins down at him.

“You’ll be my date to the Oscars, right?” he asks.

Victor nips at him again in retaliation for even implying he _wouldn’t_ be. “Of course I will. But the poor people at the Oscars. Wouldn’t matter who was there, I’d only have eyes for you,” Victor sighs.

Yuuri laughs. “Tragic,” he responds.

“Is it?” Victor asks, pulling back and leaning over Yuuri. “I don’t think looking at you is tragic at all. I feel honored to, actually.”

“ _Victor_ ,” Yuuri whines. Victor laughs.

“I love you,” he responds.

Yuuri smiles up at him. “I love you more.”

Victor shakes his head, mirth in his eyes. “I’m sure that’s not possible.”

Yuuri scoffs, pushing him off and quickly rolling them over so it’s Yuuri leaning over Victor. He leans down, pecking his nose with a kiss.

“You’re not possible,” he mumbles.

Victor laughs, but doesn’t say anything, and Yuuri just lets himself fall on top of Victor, resting his head on chest, feeling Victor’s steady breaths. Victor thinks that Yuuri smells like lilacs.

“I’m excited,” Yuuri confesses a few minutes later.

“For what?”

“To go the Oscars with you. To be with you. Our future.”

Victor has never felt happier. Yuuri is everything everything everything.

He nods, smiling softly. “I’m excited too, Yuuri.”

Yuuri nods, pleased. “Damn right.”

(They don’t leave the bed for hours, and for hours they talk about the future, they talk about what kind of movies they’d like to do together, for hours, they plan their future, and get lost in each other for what seems like forever.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh, it is currently 3:30 in the morning, and after twenty minutes of frustrated crying after I lost 2,500 words of writing when my computer shut down, I have finished! I'm not posting it yet though~ 
> 
> Also, the responses to this story has been so lovely! Thank you to all who have been reading, who have commented, who have sent me messages on tumblr, I absolutely adore you all <3
> 
> Also, I SHOULD have been working on my fic for the upcoming yoibigbang, but alas, I was finding inspiration to finish this chapter up instead haha. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!! xxx

[MARCH 2017]

 

“I didn’t expect to find anyone else here,” says Victor, who squats down after squinting suspiciously up at Yuuri, his shins touching the hard gravel. He’s looking through a bag.

“Did you have expectations for this place? Where are we?” Yuuri asks, glancing around.

Victor shrugs. “I’m not too sure. I’ve only been here for a few days. I haven’t seen another person here since I’ve arrived though, so like I said… seeing you is definitely a surprise.”

“Why are there so many birds?”

Victor stands up, dusting off his pants. He looks up. “I don’t know. They’re all pigeons by the way. I haven’t seen another bird. Just pigeons.” He looks back at Yuuri and grins widely before holding out his hand.

“I’m Devon,” he says.

Yuuri blinks, but accepts his handshake. “Toshio.”

“Cut!”

Victor and Yuuri immediately let go. Yakov is walking over toward them. Victor and Yuuri simply ignore each other.

“That was your best take. Great job. Anyway, we have one more scene to shoot, and then you two can be done for the day. Sound good?”

Yuuri nods. Victor replies with a tired, “Yes.”

(Victor isn’t one to be so miserable during shooting. Yuuri knows it’s because of him.)

Victor starts to walk away, and Yuuri has such an impulse to reach out, wrap his arms around him, hug and breathe him in, but no, he can’t do that, why would he want to do that.

“Victor,” Yuuri says. Victor abruptly stops walking, but doesn’t turn around. “I… I’m… good job.”

( _Good job? Really? Good job? What was he trying to say in the first place? What is he trying to_ do _?_ )

Victor still won’t turn around, and Yuuri finds himself pathetically wishing he would.

(What’s happening? What is he doing what is he doing what is he doing?)

“Thanks,” Victor finally replies.

He keeps walking.

(Yuuri doesn’t know what he was trying to accomplish.)

Yuuri follows him. One more scene one more scene one more scene one more sc—how did Victor get so far ahead of him?

(Oh.

He never started walking.

He’s still standing there in place.

Oh.

            Oh.

Oh.)

 _This isn’t good enough_ , Yuuri thinks, and as he hurries to catch up with Victor, Yuuri realizes he doesn’t know what he means by that.

 

 

[APRIL 2017]

 

“Why couldn’t you tell me you were just going to run off like that! I woke up and you were just… gone! Why didn’t you tell me, Devon?” Yuuri exclaims, and Victor shamefully looks down.

“I’m sorry. You were sleeping… and the pigeons were _so_ loud, and I didn’t think just going out there and trying to scare them off would be a big deal. It’s not as if I _meant_ to get attacked,” Victor replies earnestly, finally meeting eye contact with him again.

Yuuri huffs. “I was just so worried, Dev. You can’t do that. I mean, you _can_ , but I just wish you wouldn’t. Don’t worry about waking me up, seriously.”

(Victor always saw this scene as a series of different colors. The muted dark colors around them are such a contrast to the vivid bright colors that emanated from both of them, mainly Yuuri. And Victor finds himself being jealous of Yuuri. He was always so good at doing this, acting, going into character, and Victor remembers Yuuri’s light breaths against his skin late at night where he’d reassure Victor that he was _just_ as good as an actor, _better_ even. Victor never believed him. He didn’t want to believe him. Watching Yuuri act had always been one of Victor’s absolute favorite things, and despite some of the negative feelings he holds toward Yuuri now, he’s also watching one of his favorite actors at work.

And it’s been so so long.)

“You looked so peaceful though,” mutters Victor, and Yuuri smiles blindingly at him.

(How long has it been since Victor has seen Yuuri smile at him like that? Why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this?)

“That’s not an excuse, Dev,” Yuuri says, and Victor vaguely remembers a conversation just like this, soft whispers in the mornings or afternoons when one of them would accidentally take a nap and wouldn’t be woken up, and it _hurts_.

Usually, it’d be Yuuri to fall asleep, and it’d be Victor that refused to wake him up, refused to disturb his peaceful sleep, and when Yuuri would finally open those beautiful eyes of his, he’d sleepily turn to Victor and ask why he didn’t want to wake him up, and that him being “beautiful” wasn’t an excuse to let him sleep, and Victor, and Victor, and Victor would usually respond with the same thing, always the same thing, and hearing Yuuri say it to him now, after all these years, is disarming, and Victor doesn’t remember his line he doesn’t remember his line so he says what he used to always say, what he used to always whisper into Yuuri’s lips like it was a secret, what he used to want to shout out to the world.

“It’s always an excuse. Your beauty could be an excuse for anything at all, Yuuri.”

Yuuri stills, wide-eyed and shocked, and Victor doesn’t hear Yakov angrily shouting ‘ _Cut_ ’ at them.

“Don’t say that,” Yuuri finally says, and Victor doesn’t know why he feels so disappointed, doesn’t know why he was expecting Yuuri to respond with something he used to say, doesn’t know why his heart is beating so very loudly. 

And, finally, Victor hears Yakov’s loud _‘Cut’_ and Victor lets him yell at him for a minute before they move on to reshooting the scene.

Yuuri doesn’t mention his mistake again, and Victor shoves it far down, so far down that if he were to reach and grab it, he’d fall, but Victor Nikiforov can’t afford to fall.

 

 

[DECEMBER 2010]

 

Victor wakes up to Yuuri softly kissing his nose.

“Wake up wake up wake up wake up,” Yuuri says, nuzzling into him.

Victor grins, opens his eyes, and quickly leans up to kiss Yuuri’s lips. Yuuri’s lips are always so incredibly soft, and Victor bites down on the bottom one, letting his hands fall into Yuuri’s hair.

“Happy Christmas!” Yuuri exclaims, pulling back from Victor.

Victor pouts as Yuuri grins.

“I’m pretty sure since it’s _Christmas_ today and _nothing else_ , those pancakes I made in the kitchen are pretty warranted. Don’t you agree?”

“Yuuriiii,” Victor whines.

“Victorrr,” Yuuri says back. Victor rolls his eyes, still pouting.

“Oh yeah!” Yuuri suddenly exclaims, quickly removing himself from his bed to rush over to his closet. Victor watches with amusement as Yuuri frantically goes through his closet looking for something. Finally, he pops back up, and rushes back to Victor, slowing down at the last minute as a large blush colors his face.

“I got you a gift.”

“For Christmas?” Victor asks.

Yuuri shakes his head. “No, for your birthday.”

Victor bites his cheek, but a smile still breaks through. “I love you so much, thank you.”

“You don’t even know what it is yet!” Yuuri protests as he sits down in front of Victor, cross-legged.

“I know I love it because you’re giving it to me,” Victor replies. Yuuri rolls his eyes.

“Whatever, loser. Here,” he says, handing him a small box… that looks like… it’s holding a ring.

Victor’s eyes widen dramatically, and Yuuri stares at him, blushing wildly.

“Yuuri, is this…?”

Yuuri looks confused for a moment, and then he blushes even _more_ if that’s possible. “What? Wait! No! I mean, yes! But no! Not that! I’m not proposing! Just open it!”

And Victor does.

And it is a ring.

And Victor isn’t any less confused.

“I… don’t get it,” Victor admits, taking the ring out. It’s beautiful, so very beautiful, but if it isn’t Yuuri proposing, is it… just a ring then?

Yuuri blushes again, and then pulls out from behind his back another small box, much like the one that Victor is currently holding. Quickly opening it, he shows it off to Victor. It’s very much alike.

“It’s a promise ring,” Yuuri finally says. “I’m not proposing because well, I don’t think we’re both in a place with our careers to get married, but it’s kind of like… an engagement ring without being an engagement ring. Does that make sense? I mean, like, I’m basically… promising myself to you. I was already promised to you! But… I mean, even more? You know what? This is embarrassing. Give it back to me. Ignore this and me. Victor, give it _back,_ ” Yuuri whines, reaching for it, but Victor is too busy wondering how he got so lucky to have Yuuri Katsuki in his life.

“I’m not giving it back! It’s mine!” Victor says, quickly slipping it on his finger before Yuuri’s grabby hands can take it back.

“But Victor,” Yuuri whines.

“It’s mine!” Victor responds. Yuuri just purses his lips. “I really really love it, Yuuri. So so much. The best birthday gift I could ask for, you sap. I’m really in love with you, and I… just thank you.”

Yuuri smiles, but doesn’t look at Victor, and Victor huffs. How rude. Reaching over, he grabs Yuuri’s ring and quickly grabs Yuuri’s hand as well. He slides the ring on Yuuri’s finger, and smiles when it fits perfectly. Of course it fits perfectly. Yuuri is perfect. So naturally, everything Yuuri does and wears is perfect as well.

“I love you so much,” Yuuri responds, grinning widely.

Victor leans over and pecks his lips softly. “I love you too. But you know what I also love?”

“What?”

“Pancakes!”

Yuuri giggles. “I hate you. Come on, you child.”

“Yay!” Victor exclaims, ring shining on his hand.

(He can’t wait to marry this man.)

 

 

[APRIL 2017]

 

Victor almost doesn’t notice. They’re almost done for the day, and in the middle of taking a long break, Yuuri comes over to grab a water bottle from one of the interns, and there it is, shining brightly in an otherwise dark world.

And Victor can’t help himself. His hand quickly grasps around Yuuri’s wrist, and he brings it almost eye-level to examine it further. He’s not wrong he’s not wrong that’s it that’s it that’s it why why why why why why why why.

Yuuri immediately retracts his hand, and scowls at Victor, but he’s blushing, and Victor doesn’t understand why he’s blushing.

“You’re wearing the promise ring,” Victor says. Yuuri stills, hiding his hand even more.

“No, I’m not,” he lies.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“Why are you wearing it?”

“I’m _not_.”

“Show me.”

And Yuuri has already stood up, and Yuuri is already walking away, and Yuuri is already gone from his life, and Victor continues to sit there, heart beating hard as he wonders and wonders why the hell Yuuri was still wearing his promise ring.

When they resume acting, Victor notices it’s gone.

(Maybe he just imagined it all.)

 

 

[DECEMBER 2011]

 

They’re fighting. They’re fighting because Yuuri was feeling super insecure about their relationship _again,_ fighting because the media just loves to talk about them, but today was especially bad because he read some particular bad comments on the internet, because Victor keeps coming home late, because he didn’t get a role he really wanted, because they haven’t gone on a date in three months, because Victor was dancing with one of his friends at a party and now everybody thinks he’s cheating, and Yuuri can’t _handle it_.

“Do you not trust me?!” Victor is yelling at him, and Yuuri is shaking.

“Of _course_ I trust you! I’m just upset! Why can’t you just understand I’m mad?!”

“Why are you mad if you trust me?!” Victor exclaims, and Yuuri is just so fucking _tired._

“I’m not mad because I think you cheated on me! I know you didn’t cheat on me! You wouldn’t do that! I’m mad that we haven’t been seeing each other that much! I’m mad that people like to talk about us _all the time_! I’m mad that you don’t talk to me anymore! Why can’t you just talk to me! Why can’t you make time for me anymore?! Why do you ignore me?!”

Victor stills for a moment, and it looks like he’s battling himself. It looks like he’s trying to come up with some kind of response, and Yuuri is just so _sad_.

And finally, _finally_ , Victor responds with, “You don’t talk to me either, Yuuri. I know you’re tired. I’m tired too. I know we both have valid excuses for not being able to talk to each other, but I still love you so so much, Yuuri. Please don’t leave me, please, Yuuri. I-I don’t know what to do.”

Yuuri stops glaring at him and he sighs. He’s sad too. He’s sad that he hasn’t gotten to just laze around and kiss Victor. He’s sad that they haven’t been on a date in months. He’s sad that they don’t eat very many home-cooked meals anymore because they’re both so incredibly busy that they don’t have time.

“I don’t even have your birthday present yet,” Yuuri says, and Victor doesn’t say anything. He knows Victor knows what he means. Last year, Yuuri bought those promise rings three months early. Victor got Yuuri’s present in July. The year before that it was months early as well, and the year before that.

And it just… says a lot. It says so much in that Yuuri hasn’t had the time to think about what to get Victor for his birthday, hasn’t had the time to even think about Victor’s birthday at _all_ , and the only reason he even has the semblance of a Christmas present for him is because he bought it in February.

But he hasn’t had _time_. He hasn’t had the _time_ to think about Victor, to be with Victor the way he so desperately wants to be, to kiss Victor and talk with him about everything going on, to go out and not have to worry about what other people will say about them, to simply _be_ with Victor.

“I don’t have your Christmas present for you yet,” Victor says. And Yuuri’s heart breaks. He was expecting that. That’s to be expected. But it hurts it hurts it _hurts_.

“Yeah,” is all Yuuri can say. He doesn’t even know what he means when he says that. He doesn’t even know what he wants to say. He doesn’t know he just doesn’t know why doesn’t he know?

“I love you, Yuuri,” Victor says.

Yuuri bites his lip, and steps forward so he can bury his head in Victor’s chest. His heart is beating fast, and he’s a little sweaty, but Yuuri feels so safe with him, feels so at home with him.

“I love you too,” he replies. Victor smiles sadly at him, and Yuuri’s heart breaks more and more.

(It’s going to be okay. It has to be okay.)

 

 

[APRIL 2017]

 

After the embarrassing incident with the promise ring, there’s a shift in their relationship, and Yuuri doesn’t know what it means, and he isn’t sure he wants to know what it means.

And it’s so easy for Yuuri to forget about the snide comments they’d make about each other in interviews years after they broke up, about the Oscars, about how their relationship fell apart but they held on for far too long, about everything wrong that’s happened in their past relationship.

Yuuri almost wants to be angry at Victor for making it so easy, but Yuuri doesn’t like remembering that, doesn’t like to think about what they used to be and what they used to want to be _together_ because when he thinks about what they’re not, he only throws himself into a spiral of sadness, and Yuuri _can’t go through that again_.

Their relationship doesn’t shift back into friendship, but it’s not the same level of animosity they held for each other, and maybe it’s simply because they’re tired of bickering, tired of carrying around all that hatred and annoyance, tired of being so mean to each other.

Either way, Yuuri finds himself feeling grateful at times that Victor stops with the sad looks, stops with the glares and annoyed huffs or mutters, stops with the side comments he’d make about him to other coworkers.

And he’s sure Victor feels the same way as he wasn’t nearly any better. Worse, perhaps.

(He has the right to be. He had the right to be meaner.

No, he didn’t.)

Yuuri wonders how many other people are just like them, loved each other just as much as they swore they loved each other, but couldn’t follow through with their own promises in the end. He wonders about how many lost loves there are, about how many people cried through years on end because they couldn’t stop feeling the emptiness in their heart, about how many people couldn’t ever find someone else they could be just as open with, love just as much. Yuuri wonders about their relationship much more often than not, and he isn’t sure it’s helping him at all.

Probably making it worse.

But when Victor smiles at him when he sees Yuuri walk in that day, Yuuri can’t let himself care about what he would be saying to himself a month ago, or even six years ago.

Yuuri can’t care about anything else that isn’t the present, and maybe that’s what he should have done years ago.

 

 

[APRIL 2017]

 

When Victor goes home one day, after a particularly rough day with petty bickering with Yuuri (despite their recent change in their relationship) and after being yelled at by Yakov for not acting his scenes correctly, Victor drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks.

He didn’t use to be such an emotional drunk, the kind of drunk he is now, the kind of drunk he can’t admit to actually being (it’s all just his subconscious talking anyway). He used to be quite sloppy, quite flirty and giggly, or sometimes, on his bad days, he was just a quiet and tired drunk, but now (he refuses to admit that it’s because of Yuuri he doesn’t want it to be about Yuuri it can’t all be about Yuuri) he’s such an emotional drunk, so angry and loud and sad and depressed and generally just so _upset_.

Both Mila and Chris have found him passed out on the floor with broken glass all around him, with alcohol spilt all over him, all over the floors, all over the counters and walls because the night before Victor got so angry at himself, angry at the world, and angry at Yuuri that he threw his bottles, threw his glasses, and only the sound of the shattering was enough to appease him.

He knows that both Mila and Chris still worry about him, still worry about his awful drinking habits, still worry about what he can do to himself and what he has done to himself, but Victor doesn’t want them to worry about him, can’t have them worrying about him when they already have so much to worry about in their own lives.

And it’s so easy for Victor to drink. It’s so easy for him to pick up his expensive vodkas, the beers, the wines, and the whiskeys and gulp it down and try to pretend that he’s not miserable, that he's not alone, that he’s not so completely unhappy with who he has become. It’s so easy for Victor to drink and drink and drink because everything else only closes in on him, everything else is shouting at him, reminding him what he isn’t, reminding him that Yuuri left him, reminding him that he isn’t even a good actor and he doesn’t deserve his success, and it’s _hard_.

He wants to drink (because he misses having something) he wants to drink (because he’s angry at himself for saying and doing so much) he wants to drink (because he still doesn’t really allow himself to have very many friends, does he?) he wants to drink (because talking and seeing Yuuri every day is hard enough as it is without _wanting_ him as well) he wants to drink (because he doesn’t just miss something, he misses _somebody_ ) he wants to drink (because he misses Yuuri so incredibly much and no matter what he does and says and drinks, he hasn’t forgotten him just yet, and that’s so incredibly unfair) he wants to drink and drink and drink and so he does.

It’s so easy to drink because he thinks about Yuuri when he does. He thinks about how soft Yuuri was, how soft Yuuri _is_ , how Yuuri used to sigh gently against his neck, and wake him up with the loveliest of kisses. He thinks about the things Yuuri used to say to him, whether it be the comforting things, the lovely things, the mean and harsh things, or the simple, domestic things that made Victor fall more and more in love with him every time he did. He thinks about how Yuuri would love fashion, love the rich fashion especially and give Victor his own private shows, but never wear such clothes in public because he was too embarrassed, too humble to show that all off, and instead of buying the expensive clothes, he’d donate money to charity, spend it on Victor or his friends, and Victor can’t help but miss him so so much.

And seeing him every day is the worst kind of hell, seeing him and having annoyance and hate rise up at first, but then realizing that underneath all of that is a deeply rooted sadness, a deeply rooted love that Victor isn’t sure will ever go away.

And it’s so easy for Victor to drink when all he thinks about is Yuuri, all he thinks about is Yuuri, all he thinks about is Yuuri, all he thinks about is Yuuri, but for some brief moments, a brief moment in time, he isn’t thinking about Yuuri, he isn’t thinking about how much he hates his own acting and his own success, isn’t thinking about the hurt lodged in his chest, isn’t thinking about the sad glares Yuuri sends his way to this day, he isn’t thinking about what he is now with Yuuri and how it doesn’t follow at all what they dreamed they could be.

He isn’t thinking about the world and the chaos that naturally follows it, that naturally comes with living.

He wants the world to stop completely. He wants the world to freeze. He wants the world to burn. He wants the world to leave him alone. He wants the world to completely forget about him.

And Victor drinks and drinks because for those moments, he isn’t Victor anymore. He isn’t famous, he isn’t Yuuri’s ex-boyfriend, he isn’t what everyone says he is (including himself), he’s just another broken man drinking way too much on a workday.

And he drinks because it’s easy for him to drink, and easy for him to wish shit he can’t even think about wishing when he’s sober.

(He eventually passes out, and the next morning, Mila’s ringtone wakes him up, and he answers, and she’s mad, she’s asking questions like _where are you_ and _why aren’t you at work?_ and Victor realizes he threw up several times in the night, realizes that there’s broken glass shattered everywhere once again, realizes that he drank on a night before scenes he had to do, and he wants to shout at himself, shout at the world for continuing to rotate, continuing to turn, and he softly asks Mila to stop talking so loudly, gently asks her to call Yakov and say he can’t come into work today because he’s feeling quite sick, can’t be the actor everyone wants him to be today because he just isn’t enough, not today, and she goes quiet for a moment, and all Victor can hear is her labored breathing, and finally, so hesitantly she asks, _are you okay_ , and Victor wants to tell her _no_ , _I’m not okay please help me_ , but he remembers the last time, and he doesn’t want to bother her like that again, so he shuts up, and just says, _yeah, I’m fine_ , and she goes quiet again, but eventually says _, yeah I can call in. feel better soon, Vic_ , and Victor just lets her say it, and eventually, she hangs up, and he falls back asleep and lets himself pretend that the world did what he wanted it to.)

 

 

[OCTOBER 2008]

 

They’re at their show’s one-year anniversary party, and Victor and Yuuri have been flirting all night.

“Get it,” Chris says after Yuuri excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Victor laughs.

“He’s literally not even eighteen, Chris,” he says. Chris raises his eyebrows.

“So? It’s not like you’re forty-five, old man. You’re only nineteen. Besides, doesn’t he turn eighteen in less than a month?” he asks.

Victor rolls his eyes. “I just… I just want to wait until he’s eighteen. I’d feel more comfortable asking him out after he’s eighteen,” he says.

Chris grins wickedly. “So you admit that you like him!”

Victor blushes. “Of course I like him! How can you not like him! He’s so… so warm. And kind. And sweet. And cute. And funny, and his heart… is so good, Chris. Plus, he’s such an amazing cook? Have you ever had his cooking? It’s literally to die for. I just… yeah, I really like him. A lot.”

Chris snorts. “You’re cute, that’s cute. I’m happy for you, Victor. I really am. I’m also now living in anticipation waiting for his birthday so you can ask him out.”

Victor can’t believe he’s even blushing this much. He’s just not one to blush. “I’m not going to ask him out on his birthday!”

Chris just gives him a Look. “Why not? That’d be _such_ a good birthday present, don’t you agree? I can definitely see it. Him. You. Fawning all over each other, and stuffing birthday cake into each other’s mouths. Wow. The cutest.”

“I can’t ask him out on his birthday because his birthday should be all about him, I don’t want to make it all about me.”

Chris nods thoughtfully. “What about the day after?”

Victor purses his lips. “Hm. Maybe,” he jokes, and Chris joins in on his laughter.

“I’m back!” Yuuri suddenly says, and Victor’s gaze whips up to meet his.

“Yay!” he exclaims as Yuuri plops down beside Victor on the couch again. Victor feels his heart start to race, and he blushes even more when he realizes that Chris is watching him blush over Yuuri. Victor hasn’t really dealt with being the one to have the crush, but after that first meeting with Yuuri, Victor can’t remember not having a crush.

“I missed you,” Victor continues to say, and Yuuri rolls his eyes, blushing as well (which makes Victor feel a little better about his embarrassing as hell blushing).

“I was gone for five minutes, Victor,” Yuuri says.

Victor just pats his cheek with his right hand. “Ah ah ah, Yuuri. A lot can happen in five minutes, you know. Who _knows_ what could have happened to you! I’m glad you’re back and safe now though.”

Yuuri smirks at him, and Victor’s hand is still on his cheek. “How am I safe now?”

“Because I’m protecting you, Yuuri!” Victor exclaims, appalled that Yuuri would even try to suggest otherwise. Yuuri laughs at his outburst. Chris snorts, and Victor had nearly forgotten he was still there. He finally takes his hand off Yuuri’s cheek, and turns to him. “Something to say, Chris?”

Chris laughs. “I’m leaving you losers. Have fun.”

Victor pouts, and Yuuri laughs harder.

“Are you laughing at me, Yuuri?!” Victor asks.

Yuuri laughs once again. “I am, yeah.”

And Victor lets himself laugh as well. The entire situation is quite funny, and Yuuri is so damn lovely.

“I’m glad I met you, Yuuri,” Victor says, and Yuuri stills, going quiet, blush red red red red on his face. He’s so pretty, inside and out.

Victor has to look away after saying it, embarrassed and afraid that Yuuri thinks he’s blowing their friendship way out of proportion.

“I’m glad I met you too, Victor,” Yuuri finally says back, and Victor immediately grins, turning back to face Yuuri.

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do!” Yuuri exclaims.

Victor nods, nuzzling close to Yuuri, and Yuuri grins back at him.

(They stay quiet for a bit after that, and it isn’t until Yakov comes to find them to tell them to come take the group picture with them that they remember where they are and who they are to each other, and they leap feet apart from each other, Yakov raising a suspicious eyebrow at them, and leave to take the picture, and it isn’t until months later do they finally get together, but the months before are just and always as important.)

 

 

[APRIL 2017]

 

They day starts off with casual conversation, and Yuuri wasn’t expecting it.

“Are you coming to Phichit’s birthday party tonight?” he asks, and Victor nods absentmindedly.

“Yeah. I was thinking about going, but I’m not sure yet,” he says.

“You should come. I know Phichit would love to see you,” Yuuri hears himself say, and… why does he say that? Why does he want Victor to come? Why would he try and convince Victor to come?

Victor just stares at him. “Are you sure?”

Yuuri nods. “Of course, I’m sure. You should come. Really. It’ll be fun.”

“Okay,” Victor agrees. “I’ll stop by then.”

“Okay. Uhm. Cool,” Yuuri responds.

They don’t talk after that, and Yuuri tries not to worry about that night.

 

The party arrives quickly, but Yuuri had already been at Phichit’s house for a while to help him sort out any last-minute decorations.

“So is Victor coming?” Phichit asks in the middle of them putting out all the food. Yuuri nods.

“He is, yeah.”

“Did you want him to come?”

Yuuri doesn’t say anything, but eventually nods. “I think so.”

Phichit purses his lips. “Interesting,” is what he says, and Yuuri wonders why the hell he has to be so vague sometimes.

“Do you think I shouldn’t have wanted him to come?” Yuuri asks, feeling a little defensive. Phichit’s eyes widen in surprise.

“No, not at all! I’m not going to tell you how you should feel, Yuuri. You know that. I would never want to do that. I really do just find it interesting.”

Yuuri looks down, a little ashamed, but he clears his throat and forces himself to look back up at his best friend and manager who’s looking at him softly. “Sorry. I’m a little on edge.”

Phichit grins, handing him a mysterious bottle of what is probably alcohol. “Something to take that edge off?” he says, the suggestion strong in his voice. Yuuri rolls his eyes, but takes it anyway.

“You’re absolutely right.”

“I tend to be,” Phichit responds, grinning widely.

 

Yuuri is tipsy when guests finally start arriving, even more tipsy when Mila arrives, and completely drunk when Victor finally arrives.

“Victor!” he exclaims in surprise as he opens the door. “You’re here!”

Victor narrows his eyes, taking in Yuuri’s half-hearted smile and bottle in hand, and simply nods awkwardly.

“I’m here,” he says. Yuuri finally glances down and looks at a present in his hands. His face lights up.

“Ohhh, is that for me?!”

Victor frowns at him. “No, it’s for Phichit. Since it’s his birthday.”

Yuuri groans, closing the door a little more. “I don’t know if I want to let you in anymore! Go get me a present, V-Victor Nikikiforovforv,” he says, slurring Victor’s name a bit. Victor bites his lip, but doesn’t say anything, and Yuuri just thinks, _how boring how boring how boring say something Little Vicky Vick Vick!_ and then, _What._

“Come in, come in! People exist here, so be warned!! Come in with that warning! Are you safe?! Be warned!” he shouts at Victor, who just nods awkwardly in response. Yuuri grabs his arm ( _What the—why is he so muscular? Can he stop that?_ ) and drags him inside, slamming the door shut behind them.

“Be warned!” he screams again, and Victor just shakes Yuuri off him.

“Maybe coming here was a bad idea,” he says, and _WHAT, NO_ , Yuuri thinks loudly.

“You better stay! If you don’t stay… I’m telling my mom! And Yakov! What then?!”

Victor just stares at him, an amused and worried smile taking over his expression.

“Okay, then.”

Victor leads Yuuri somewhere, and suddenly Phichit is in front of him.

“Phichit!! I missed you!! Are you okay? How’s your birthday going? How are you?! Happy birthday!” he exclaims, and Phichit catches him as he jumps into his arms, laughing loudly.

“I missed you too! And you found Victor, yay! I’m safe, but are _you_?” It seems Phichit is drunk as well. Yuuri finds this very neat.

“I have your present,” Victor says, and Yuuri turns to try and glare at him ( _bad, but cute man!)_. Phichit giggles, and thanks him.

“The bar is over there, by the way,” Phichit says, motioning at every corner of the house, and Yuuri laughs as he takes in Phichit’s clothes, and he turns to tell Victor all about it ( _doesn’t he look so cute, Victor_ ) but Victor is no longer standing there, and Yuuri’s heart drops and drops and drops and suddenly he’s falling down.

“Oh,” he whispers. “Oh.”

 

Yuuri stops drinking since he’s been moping in a random room in Phichit’s house for the past hour, and eventually, he knows it’s time to stop moping, stop acting so sad, or just generally being so sad about a man that doesn’t care about him anymore ( _which is your fault by the way_ , he reminds himself cruelly).

And when he finally goes down, incredibly more sober than he was an hour and a half ago, he finds Victor downing shot glass after shot glass, and looking absolutely miserable while doing it.

(Yuuri notices a familiar stance in Victor’s position, almost as if Victor is in a familiar place doing familiar things, and Yuuri doesn’t understand how he still knows Victor’s stances so well, and why Victor is feeling that. He’s never even been to Phichit’s house before.)

He finally gets all the way down, and Victor briefly looks at him, and it’s then that Yuuri freezes in horror.

Victor looks like shit, eyes glassy and sad, and he doesn’t even look like himself, Yuuri belatedly realizes. He doesn’t even look like the same Victor Nikiforov that was there an hour ago, or this morning, or even the past couple of days. He just looks so sad, and nobody is sitting with him, and he keeps drinking and drinking and drinking, it seems, and Yuuri finds himself _worried_.

So he doesn’t stop himself when he feet start to move forward, toward Victor, and he doesn’t stop himself when he’s standing right next to Victor, a man that’s drowning himself in alcohol, and places a hand on his shoulder.

“Victor, maybe you should stop,” he says gently.

Victor turns to him, glaring sadly up at him, and Yuuri sees the shift of emotions in him, sees the confusion of who is talking to him, the sadness that came with the realization, and then the anger that followed.

“Why do you even care? We aren’t dating anymore. I haven’t even seen you in years. You don’t care about me. Stop fucking acting like you fucking care, Yuuri,” slurs Victor as he slams his shot glass down on the table. Yuuri stills.

“Since when are _you_ such an angry drunk?” he hisses, and Victor scoffs. (A brief glimpse of Victor stripping comes to his mind, but he scolds himself. _Not now_.)

“Fuck off,” Victor says. “Just… _FUCK OFF_.”

Yuuri blinks in shock when Victor yells at him and he takes a step back.

“You don’t have to be so damn rude, Victor,” he says. He doesn’t want to fight with Victor. He has a headache, he’s already been fighting with him in his head for the past hour, and it’s Phichit’s birthday and birthday party.

Victor at least looks a little ashamed at Yuuri’s scolding, and abruptly stands up, shot glass falling from the table onto the floor, and broken glass goes everywhere as the people around them freeze in shock and fear.

Victor just looks so so _sad_.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Yuuri,” Victor says earnestly, and another vague memory of a different time, a time when they were both on the red carpet pops into his mind, and just like that time, Victor is fleeing, rushing off before Yuuri can collect another thought together, and just like that time, Yuuri is left alone when all he wants, all he needs, is a fucking hug.

And he simply leans over and picks up the broken glass alone and wonders just how well Victor says he is versus how well he really is.

 

 

[MAY 2010]

 

Victor gets a bit drunk one night, and they’re in public with Chris, Phichit, and Mila, as well as JJ and his fiancé.

And Victor is such a fun drunk, has always been such a fun drunk, and Yuuri is trying to rein him in, but they’re all having so much fun, and Yuuri doesn’t want to rein him in at all.

“Yuuriiiiii,” he moans, grabbing at Yuuri’s collar on his shirt. “I’m hottttt. Are you hot?” He giggles after asking. “Of course, you’re hot. You’re always hot. My hot little boyfriend, aren’t you?”

“Victor, oh my _god_.” Chris and the others are all laughing their asses off, but Victor pays them no mind as he starts to pull off his shirt.

“I’m hottt,” he whines again.

Yuuri tries to frantically pull it down again, but Victor gently pushes him away and wags his eyebrows at him. Yuuri is absolutely _mortified_.

“Victor, stop!”

But Victor doesn’t stop, and then, before he knows it, Victor’s shirt is off in a very public place, and their friends are only cheering him on. He throws a glare at their friends, who just laugh loudly at his expense.

Victor doesn’t really seem to care as he wraps his arms around Yuuri and brings him only closer to him as he snuggles into his shoulder. “I love you so much, Yuuri! So so so so so much! I LOVE you!”

Yuuri blushes a deep red, but nuzzles back into Victor as well, his naked chest somehow already very sweaty. “I love you too,” he mumbles. “Idiot.”

(And it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter that people are looking at them strangely, that they’re probably about to get kicked out if Victor can’t put his shirt back on, that their friends are laughing and laughing at them because in that moment, they’re just two boys so in love with each other. They’re just two boys on a T.V. show that isn’t even known by the world yet. They’re just two boys that see such a clear future together that the rest of the world just doesn’t matter.)

 

 

[MAY 2017]

 

Yuuri wakes up in Phichit’s house to the sound of knocking. He groans as he takes in the mess of his surroundings, and it seems that he’s the only other person here. Standing up, he makes his way to the front door, and gently opens it.

Bright light streams through, as does the picture of Victor Nikiforov, and suddenly, Yuuri remembers last night.

“Victor,” he says, voice hoarse. Victor looks at him, a pained expression on his face.

“I forgot my phone,” he says. Yuuri frowns at him. He doesn’t look good at all.

“Okay,” he replies, opening the door a bit more so Victor can come in. Yuuri absentmindedly picks up some of the trash on the floor and places it in the trash bin as Victor disappears into the household.

He comes back a minute later, phone in hand.

“I found it,” he says.

Yuuri nods, looking anywhere but Victor, trying his best not to let his heart race too quickly, not to let himself study Victor’s face just so he can wonder what the hell is going on, not to let himself fall back so easily into wondering and worrying about Victor.

“I’m sorry about last night, Yuuri. Shit. I’m just really sorry,” Victor says, and Yuuri can’t help but look at him. He just looks so sad, and Yuuri’s heart _hurts_.

He can’t stop himself from saying the next thing. He isn’t sure if he wanted to. “Did you know I haven’t been with anyone else since you?” The words spill out of his mouth quicker than he would have liked, but it’s too late to take them back, and he doesn’t think he’d want to anyway.

Victor is just staring at him, his grip on his phone tight.

“What?” he asks. Yuuri blushes. (He’s such an idiot he’s such an idiot he’s such an idiot.)

“I don’t know why I told you that. I’m sorry. I’m… sorry,” Yuuri awkwardly says. Victor bites his lip, and looks away, his grip on his phone still seemingly impossibly tight.

“I think I drink so much so I can get over you,” Victor suddenly says, and it’s so so soft, but Yuuri still hears it, and his heart is thumping, thumping, thumping ever so presently in his chest.

“I wore the promise ring to see if you noticed. To see if you still remembered it,” Yuuri admits, and he isn’t looking away from Victor, and he sees Victor inhale quickly.

“I drink so so much, Yuuri. Just to get over you,” he replies, and Yuuri nods, he’s nodding, and they’re not any closer physically, but emotionally, but mentally, they’re miles and miles closer.

(And this has been building up. He knows that, but it’s still coming to him as such a surprise, such a shock, and he isn’t sure what to do, his heart is beating so loudly, with such purpose, and what is Yuuri supposed to _do_?)

“Do you want to?” he asks.

Victor frowns. “Do I want to what?” he asks.

Yuuri swallows. The air is suffocating him, he’s suffocating, he’s drowning in a sea of unspoken words, of things they haven’t talked about yet, of things they never did talk about, of things they should have talked about. “Get over me.”

And Victor’s gaze on him is terrifying. Yuuri’s heart is the only thing he can hear besides the rapid crescendo of Victor’s breaths, and Yuuri doesn’t understand how it’s come crashing down on them now, come crashing down on them like this.

And when Victor responds, it all makes sense and nothing makes sense, and Yuuri wants to run, but Yuuri wants to fall. Because what he says means there’s still something, but maybe it’s not time, maybe it’s never going to be time for them to talk again, for them to return to what they were. But maybe they shouldn’t do that. They shouldn’t do that. They shouldn’t do that, but Victor’s response rings loudly and clearly, and Yuuri releases a breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding.

“I don’t know.”

(Yuuri’s heart is screaming, shattering, dancing, and mending.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this proves that I CAN write fluffy and humorous scenes and not just a ball of angst! (I mean, I am.)
> 
> And only one more chapter left, ahh!! I think the next one will probably be the longest one though, so that one might take a little longer to come out. My summer is quite busy this year :( 
> 
> I adore you all, and I adore comments as well! 
> 
> Much love xxxxx


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, editing: why the fuck did I italicize so many words. why does this suck so much. why did I repeat that word THIRTEEN times. why do I repeat ANYTHING this SUCKS
> 
> BASICALLY, THIS CHAPTER WAS SO WEIRDLY DIFFICULT TO WRITE?????? Also, so I mentioned how I had this entire story planned out, right? Well, I planned it out into certain scenes, and each chapter had around 10 scenes. and originally, this chapter did too. but but BUT I'm a lil bitch and it ended up having SEVENTEEN scenes literally what the hELL. 
> 
> Also, check out Lorde's new album because that wonderful shit fueled me while writing this. 
> 
> Anywayyy, to EVERYBODY that's been reading this story, has read this story, is just now reading this story, I thank you so so so much!!! I'm so happy you all seem to be liking my trash story, and I'm so glad I'm getting to finally share the last chapter! 
> 
> I put my soul into this story so it's been so nice to read every single comment and receive any sort of love anywhere about it. I ADORE you!!!
> 
> xxxxx
> 
> EDIT: I FUCKIN. ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS CHAPTER WHEN TRYING TO CLICK THE UP ARROW BUTTON. IM. CRYIN

[MAY 2017]

 

Yuuri figures he should be used to this feeling. This overwhelming feeling that something, a phrase or a thought or god even worse, his _heart_ , is lodged in his throat. He remembers yesterday morning, and no, that didn't happen, that couldn't have happened, that wasn’t supposed to happen.

_“Leave,” he had said._

(He didn’t mean to be so rude about it. He didn’t mean for that to be the first thing he said in response. He didn’t mean to _say_ that.)

_Victor’s back is facing him again, and Yuuri is so fucking tired of seeing this sight._

(He wanted to reach out and grab him, tell him he can’t go yet, tell him he didn’t mean what he said that that wasn’t what he meant he meant to say _Stay stay stay please stay_.)

_Victor’s gone. Not a single damn word._

(That wasn’t supposed to happen, but something is even more terrifying than that. It’s the realization that in the moment, he knew exactly what he wanted he knew exactly what he wanted he knew exactly what he wanted.

It’s not what he meant to say.

It’s not what he meant to say.

It’s not what he meant to say.

How could he even think to be so mean?

It’s not what he meant to say.

It’s not what he meant to say.

It’s not what he meant to say. Please please please take the words back. Take them back.

 

 

              What did he mean to say?)

 

 

[SEPTEMBER 2013]

 

Mila finds him the next morning, and he’s drunk, something isn’t right, where is he, why is Mila even here?

“Oh Victor,” she says. She sounds heartbroken. Victor hasn’t opened his eyes yet, and _fuck_ , something doesn’t feel right. Something _hurts_ , and he realizes it’s him. He’s hurting. He’s in so much pain fuck _fuck fuck fuck fuck_ —Mila’s hands are cold against his skin, and she’s helping him up. His legs do not exist. He does not exist. He cannot exist like this. He cannot do this.

He still hasn’t opened his eyes.

“Victor,” she says again. Her voice is so soft, so comforting, and Victor is so grateful for her, so grateful she’s helped him progress so far in his acting career, so grateful that she’s his friend. “Victor, can you hear me?”

He doesn’t respond. He can’t respond, and she doesn’t say anything else. He hasn’t opened his eyes he hasn’t opened his eyes, god why can’t he fucking _see_ anything?

He feels her leave, but not even a minute later, she’s back and pressing down on his arms with a cold towel. He jolts when he feels the cool wetness of the towel. She gently shushes him, and he stills. Why can’t he see anything? Why hasn’t he opened his eyes yet?

“Victor, can you open your eyes? Can you hear me, Victor? Vic, please,” she says, and she sounds so _broken_. So heartbreakingly _broken_ , and was it Victor that did this to her? “You’re bleeding, Victor,” she suddenly whispers, and Victor’s heart drops. He’s bleeding?

Does that describe the pain? Is it because he’s bleeding? What happened to him? What’s happening to him?

(But it’s not that kind of pain he feels. It isn’t the pain of a cut, it isn’t the pain of a scrape, it isn’t the pain of anything physical, and Victor didn’t even realize he was bleeding because he didn’t feel that kind of pain. He didn’t feel that, that isn’t the pain he’s feeling right now. It isn’t what he’s feeling.

This isn’t what he’s feeling.

Not that kind of pain. Never that kind of pain. It’s never been that kind of pain.)

“Victor, _please_ ,” she whispers.

He’s still for a while longer, but suddenly, light is seeping in, and he sees where he is, and he sees the broken glass, the broken dishes, the broken lamp, the broken television, he sees all that he’s broken, and he’s bleeding, oh god Mila is right, he’s bleeding. He looks at her, and his heart stops when he realizes she’s crying. She shoots him a sad smile, and continues to wipe at his arm.

 _She’s cleaning up the blood,_ he realizes in horror. _That’s what the wet towel was for. For the blood. For the blood_.

“I’m sorry, Mila,” is what he says in the end. She looks surprised, and then she looks angry. So angry at him.

“I don’t want you to be sorry for me, Victor. Fuck that. Don’t be sorry for me,” she says, and she stands up to wash the towel, avoiding the broken glass as she makes her way to kitchen.

Victor just sits there, unable to do anything, unable to say anything, and for a fucked-up moment, he thinks what would have happened if it was Yuuri that found him. What would he have said to him? What would he have done?

Mila’s come back with a new towel, and Victor just sits there just sits there just sits there, and the silence isn’t unbearable, but he doesn’t want to  _exist_ here any longer.

“Don’t be sorry for me,” Mila whispers suddenly, stopping her cleaning for a moment. Victor can’t meet her gaze. He can’t. He can’t let her find him again. He can’t let this happen again. He can’t be this kind of person. “Be sorry for yourself, Victor. Forgive yourself.”

(It’s not that kind of pain. It’s never been that kind of pain.

It’s a kind of pain that doesn’t come without love. It’s a kind of pain that he could only ever experience when he let himself love so fully, so openly, so foolishly. It’s a kind of pain that hasn’t gone away yet, and that’ll probably never go away. It’s the kind of pain that’ll follow him to his death, it’s that kind of pain, it’s that kind of pain, and it’s ironic that it took the best thing to ever happen to him to make him experience the worst.)

 

 

[MAY 2017]

 

“What the fuck _is_ that?!” Victor screams as Yuuri grabs ahold of his wrist and drags him along with him. He’s sprinting, and they’re not running fast enough.

“ _Run_ , Devon! Come on!” Yuuri exclaims, but Victor still isn’t moving fast enough.

“I am!”

And they run and run and run, and suddenly, it’s nighttime, and Yuuri and Victor are left alone to pant.

“Toshio, seriously, do you know what that was? You started running before it even caught sight of us,” Victor says. Yuuri’s still panting, but he nods, swallowing other words that threaten to come out.

“Yeah. I knew what it was. I don’t… I don’t know why I knew what it was though.”

“Well, what is it?!” Victor growls.

“It was a nightmare,” Yuuri says.

“A nightmare? Like the ones you get when you dream?” Victor asks, face softening to confusion as he leans against his tree, his hand being the only thing between him and falling.

Yuuri nods. “I don’t know why I know that though. I’m afraid of them. I think.”

“You’re afraid of nightmares?” asks Victor.

Yuuri nods again. “I remember being afraid of them. I still am. I’m afraid of nightmares.”

Victor looks confused. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” says Yuuri. “I don’t know.”

(And in Yuuri’s brain, those words scream at him, scream _profanities_ at him as he remembers what happened that morning, that morning that Victor hasn’t talked to him about, that morning that he hasn’t talked to Victor about, and he’s never hated a phrase more. He hates it he hates it he absolutely _loathes_ those three words.

And Victor's said his next lines, but Yuuri is distracted by how his lips move, how his lips meet and part and and and and—

            Shit. What were his lines again?)

“Cut!” Yakov shouts. “Yuuri, pay attention! Let’s run the last bit again! Starting from when they’re running!”

Yuuri’s on autopilot as he moves back into position, Victor’s back facing him just like that morning. They haven’t talked about it. He doesn’t know why they haven’t talked about it, and he wants so badly to just _talk_ about it, but he doesn’t want to mention it, he’s too afraid that if he mentions it then the glass that’s been too full, that’s always been too full, will shatter and that everything they had together will be washed away by a waterfall.

He’s drowning in a fucking waterfall.)

 

 

[JUNE 2015]

 

Over the years, Victor’s only come to detest interviews. He remembers loving them. He remembers smiling widely at everyone and meaning it, so grateful to be there, so happy that he’d been given the chance, but now he does as little as he can without anything seeming amiss.

(He is grateful. He’s still so grateful, but he also wishes everyone would just fuck off for once. They’re all just so nosy.)

“Sooo, Victor. It seems you may be off the market, isn’t that right?”

(Victor always hated that term. That term that implies that he was “in the market” in the first place. Like something to buy. Something to gawk at. Something only “some people” can afford.)

But he still smiles. “I’m not sure I know what you mean,” he says pleasantly, and the man laughs.

“Well, pictures of you kissing that man at that birthday party were released just a week ago. Is the man your boyfriend?”

Victor wonders if the interviewer is ever genuinely interested in the questions he has to ask or if every question is just as dull as the last, and every answer couldn’t come quick enough. Victor laughs.

“No, no, I’m still single. The man _was_ a _fantastic_ kisser, however,” Victor says.

He wasn’t actually. Or maybe he was. He doesn’t truly remember. He doesn’t truly remember anything else except for briefly thinking that the man he was about to kiss was Yuuri and everything was back to normal, but when he did finally kiss him, when he reached in and grabbed that man in that “passionate” kiss that everybody keeps mentioning to him, he realized it wasn’t Yuuri at all. Yuuri’s lips didn’t feel like that, and Yuuri tasted differently, and Yuuri smelled differently, and Yuuri had softer hair, and Yuuri was warmer, kinder, and when Victor realized that, he had pulled back.

The interviewer nods at him. “Well, good for you, mate. Seems you really are over Katsuki, huh? People still speculate about that, you know.”

Victor sucks in a breath. “Of course I’m over him. Why wouldn’t I be over him? He isn’t anything special.”

The man just laughs again. “I know people were definitely wondering though with what happened at the Oscars and all. Good to see you’re okay.”

Victor doesn’t understand his sudden rise in anger, but he feels it, he feels it, he feels it, and underneath it all, he just _misses Yuuri_.

“I got over him years ago. I mean, you saw the shit he said about me after we broke up. He would go around and talk shit about me, and because he’s too much of a coward to say it to my face, he had to rely on some journalist to spill the secrets. Pathetic, really.”

The man is frowning at him, and even Victor knows he’s gone too far. The crowd is silent, and Victor purses his lips.

“Just because I’m over him doesn’t mean I still don’t have some pettiness. Sorry about all of that,” he says, chuckling a bit to add some humor to the situation. Nobody really reacts. “He doesn’t like me either by the way. He’s a fantastic actor, but I don’t think we can… we can ever reconcile, even as friends, after what we went through. It’s just the way things are.”

He doesn’t know why he has to explain himself like this, but when he sees Mila nodding at him in the corner of his eye, he realizes he’s doing both damage control and lifting his image. He knows celebrities that can admit their mistakes and are “honest” with the public tend to be well-received.

(He hates this business. He doesn’t even deserve to be a celebrity. Plus, celebrities aren’t worth shit. He isn't worth shit.)

“We’ve all had bad breakups, right?” he laughs again, and that’s what gets them. The crowd relaxes, and the man interviewing him laughs with him.

“You know what? You’re right! I know we’re all proud of you for admitting that. Aren’t we?” he exclaims, and the crowd screams readily in response.

Victor smiles, swallowing back thoughts, and lets the effects of what he said rain down on him.

 

 

[MAY 2017]

 

Yuuri hasn’t been rude to him since he basically told him to fuck off in Phichit’s house. And Victor can’t tell if he likes it or not. He wants Yuuri to be rude to him. He’s been nothing but rude to Yuuri so why can’t Yuuri be rude to him as well? He’s yelled at him, he’s cursed him, he’s dragged him along in all of his _shit_ so why can’t Yuuri just be mean to him again?

(He remembers that morning. He remembers the way his brain exploded when Yuuri told him to leave. And he can’t remember what happened after that. He can’t remember where he went, or when he left, or how he got home later that night. He can’t remember anything that happened after he picked up his phone and told Yuuri things he didn’t even admit to himself yet.

Fuck.

Fuck. And Yuuri was mean to him. And Yuuri was rude to him. And Yuuri told him what he was expecting, the only thing he should have been told after saying the fucked-up response he said. He deserved it, but _it hurt_. It hurt it hurt it hurt and it _hurts_.)

But Yuuri hasn’t brought it up, and he hasn’t been rude to him, hasn’t made any snide comments, and it’s even worse because he’s not ignoring him either. He isn’t doing anything that makes sense, but Victor is too afraid to say anything. If Yuuri. If Yuuri. If Yuuri…

wants to come back to him

(Fuck, does _he_ want that?)

then he won’t say anything. Yuuri will say something if he wants that. He’ll say something if he doesn’t. He has to he has to he _has_ to because Victor is petrified at the very thought of losing him.

He’s putting everything into Yuuri’s hands.

(That’s selfishness. And a hazy memory of Yuuri screaming at him how he’s so selfish flashes before him. He screamed it back because it was true. Yuuri is selfish. They both are. So fucking selfish.)

And it’s selfish that Yuuri sends him a bright smile after Victor mutters a joke about Yakov. He didn’t even say it to be heard, but Yuuri heard it, and it was so much like what they used to have, it was so much like what they used to do and say, and then suddenly, Victor realizes that it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter if that’s what used to be between them.

That doesn’t matter. Because Yuuri laughed just then, and he said the joke _just then_ , and everything that’s happening between the two of them is happening _just then,_ and _now_.

It’s happening _now. Now now now now_ , and Victor gulps. He didn’t think about that. He never thought about that. He’s been so focused on what they were before, on how they ruined each other, but it’s been _years_ since they’ve been together, and it’s been _years_ since they first met, and it’s been _years_ since they’ve grown up, they’ve grown up, they’ve grown up.

But has _he_? Has Victor grown up at all? He isn’t taking care of himself anymore.

(He should be. He knows he should stop drinking. He can’t help himself fuck he _CAN’T HELP HIMSELF_. It’s a fucking addiction. It’s the exact same kind of addiction that Yuuri himself used to be.

Yuuri was _addicting_. And Victor fucking overdosed.)

He smiles back at him, he laughs, and something changes in the universe then. Or maybe nothing changed at all. But he feels different. Feels lighter, and Yuuri is so bright, and he’s always been so bright, but it was a darker kind of bright, a sadder kind of bright, and Victor wants it back.

(Oh fuck.)

He wants it back.

(Shit.)

He wants it back.

( _Shut up, Victor. Shut up. Shut UP.)_

He wants it back. He wants to completely reinvent it. He wants to completely mend it. He wants to completely live with it and live by it and live for it.

He wonders what would have happened it he said no. If he told him he didn’t ever want to get back together with him. He wonders what would have happened. He wonders what would have happened.

(The days after are longer, but they’re shorter, and time moves quicker, but it moves so slowly, and Victor can’t focus on anything at all except for the realization that he’s flirting with Yuuri again.

It’s so subtle. It’s something nobody else would even notice. Not even if they paid attention.

He almost didn’t notice.

But he’s paying more than just attention.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And he wonders what would have happened if he said yes.

 

 

[MAY 2017]

 

His eyes are closed, and Yuuri is waking him up. Victor opens his eyes to Yuuri leaning right over him, panic all over his face.

“I can’t remember them anymore, Devon. I can’t remember,” he says.

Victor frowns, and fully sits up. “What’s wrong? What do you mean?”

Yuuri looks so scared, and Victor lightly touches Yuuri’s cheek. _I’m here for you_ , he thinks.

( _Shut up, Victor.)_

“My family, Devon,” he whispers. “I can’t remember my family. And I know they exist, but I can’t even remember what they _look_ like.”

Victor looks down sadly. (His character has been here longer than Toshio, and he knows the feeling so well.  _Convey it, Victor_.)

“I can’t remember mine either. I… I have one too. I think. Fuck.” He looks back up at Yuuri, and Yuuri’s placed his hand over the hand Victor has on his cheek. “I’m sorry, Toshio.”

And Yuuri looks so _sad_.

( _Shut_ up _, Victor._ )

He looks so heartbreakingly sad, and Victor knows, he knows it’s just acting, but it hurts it hurts it hurts to see him look like this. And he knows what Devon does next because it’s what he would do next, and he’s leaning forward, and there’s not even a single breath that can heard on set, not even Yuuri’s, and especially not Victor’s, and he’s leaning forward, and he’s leaning forward, and his lips press against Yuuri’s.

(Yuuri tastes like the damn _sky_ , and it’s just how he always tasted, and Victor doesn’t know if he’s pleased by that, he doesn’t know if he’s upset by that, he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to react to this, but he knows what Devon would do, and he leans in more, and Yuuri responds so eagerly.)

Victor’s surprised when there’s nobody to yell cut at them. Usually, it takes more than this, but he’s had enough, he’s had _enough_ , and Yuuri’s lips are finally against his again ( _just an act_ , that snide voice in his head remarks. _Shut up, Victor._ ) and Victor’s blood is rushing everywhere.

But then Yuuri’s gone, and he’s leaning his forehead against his, and this is _that_ scene, that scene that makes the viewers weep, that makes the viewers cry in happiness, that makes the viewers' hearts drop, and Yuuri’s lips are still so close to his, but he’s smiling, he’s smiling so sadly, and Victor wants to believe that this is actually happening.

“At least we have each other,” Yuuri eventually says, leaning forward and pecking his lips again so quickly that Victor can’t process it. He knows his lines he knows his lines he knows his lines so _say them, Victor_.

“That’s more than I could have ever asked for,” he responds. Victor knows Yuuri is a fantastic actor, but he swears something lights up in Yuuri’s eyes, and Victor swears that it was _real_ , but Victor isn’t actually sure of anything, and before anything else can be said or done, Yakov is yelling a loud ‘Cut!’ at them and Yuuri is already pulling back.

(But instead of walking away, he stays.

Victor’s heart is beating so loudly.

He’s staying.

Victor’s heart is beating so loudly.

He’s staying and smiling and existing.

Victor’s heart is beating so so so so loudly.

He smiles back.)

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2012]

 

“Phichit, you’re an _amazing_ friend,” he giggles drunkenly. Phichit sighs, but laughs as well.

“You’re damn right I am,” he responds. “How many clubs and parties have you been going to, Yuuri? This is your fifth one this week, and it’s only _Wednesday_.”

Yuuri frowns and pouts dejectedly. “It’s not as if I’m a _mean_ drunk. People tell me I’m really!!! Really. _Punny_! Ha! You get it? It’s a pun and it’s supposed to be _funny_! See, Phichit?”

Phichit laughs. “Yes, yes, I get it.” He isn’t exactly holding Yuuri completely up, but he’s definitely helping him. Yuuri watches in fond amusement as he looks around for the exit. “How do we get out of this place, Yuuri?”

Yuuri hiccups in response, and leans in close close close. “You want to know a secret?” he whispers, eyes wide. Phichit rolls his eyes.

“Sure, but only if you tell me how to get out afterward,” he says. Yuuri jerks his head to the bartender.

“I talked about Victor to him.” This time he points at a different man. “And to that guy.” He points at a woman. “And her. And him. Him too. Those two people as well.”

Phichit groans, but Yuuri is finding that everything is fuzzy, and that he misses Victor, he misses him so much, why does he miss him so much, isn’t he the one that broke up with him?

Now he’s sad. Gosh.

“I’m sad, Phichit,” he groans. “I miss him. I miss Victor. But… but Victor is an asshole! You hear that? He’s an ASSHOLE!”

He’s loud about it, and he can’t even remember what he said about Victor to all those people, but he remembers the man that was particularly interested—he even asked questions!

And… god, FUCK Victor!

“But I miss him,” he says out loud, in reply to his own thoughts. Phichit sighs again.

“Where’s the exit, Yuuri?”

Yuuri points to it, and it feels like the world is swallowing him whole. It feels like Victor should be right here next to him. It’s been barely a month, it’s been a month, and Yuuri feels like a part of his very being has been torn away from him.

Phichit leads him out of the bar, and Yuuri wants to go _dancing_. He wants to dance away everything. He wants to forget Victor even exists. He wants to forget everything. He wants to forget that he misses him. He wants to forget that he loves, wait fuck no ‘loves’ should be in the past tense now, Victor so much that he started to destroy himself.

When he gets home, Victor’s there. He’s so beautiful, so so beautiful, and his smile is so nice, gosh, isn’t it just the _nicest_?

“Victor,” he says, smiling dreamily. Vaguely, he hears Phichit sigh again, and then the door is opening, and then he’s home, and then Victor (no, this person is shorter than Victor) is tucking him in.

“I’m staying the night,” Victor says. Yuuri smiles happily.

“You always do,” he responds.

“Yuuri, I’m not Victor. It’s Phichit,” Phichit says, but Yuuri is already asleep.

(And a week later, the press releases all the shit he had to say about Victor that night, and Victor sees it, the whole world sees it, Yuuri sees it, and it’s mean, so mean, but it’s too late to take it back, and Yuuri wishes he didn’t mean a single word of it. He wishes it was false. He wishes he didn’t feel like that.

But he does.

And that hurts the most.)

 

 

[MAY 2017]

 

Yuuri is so tired of all the running he has to do for this movie. But luckily, this is where his character stops running because this is when Toshio wakes up.

And Victor is there, right there as always, and he looks so devastated, screaming at him loudly.

“Toshio! Toshio! Fuck! I can’t lose you!”

Yuuri doesn’t smile. He isn’t supposed to smile here, but in situations like this, in situations where everything just really really sucks, he smiles, and hearing that, hearing heartbreaking words like that makes him want to smile.

He doesn’t smile though. But he can tell Victor knows he wants to smile.

He can tell because suddenly, he _is_  smiling, and Yakov is calling cut, and then they’re both laughing.

“LITERALLY WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!” Yakov shouts at them. But before they can respond, Otabek responds with an amused expression.

“Probably because it’s such a ridiculously sad scene.”

Yakov groans. “Okay, let’s run it again! Everyone get in their places!”

Yuuri starts running again, only to stop, and Victor, just like last time, is right there, fucking _hell_ he’s already smiling, shit now _he’s_ laughing.

“CUT!”

They giggle for a bit, and everything feels so nice, this is so nice, this is what he wanted, this is how he’s always liked it. Yakov looks irritated, but Yuuri has a sneaking suspicion that he’s grateful they’re getting along now.

(And is that what this is? _Are_ they getting along now? Despite everything else? Despite their refusal to talk about what happened, to talk about what they used to be and what they are now?)

“Again!” Yakov exclaims.

Yuuri runs, stops, but dammit, he’s already laughing, and Victor tries to frown seriously at him for a moment before he joins in.

“Fucking hell!” Yakov shouts. “Cut!”

And they run it again. “Cut!”

Once more. “You didn’t even make it to three seconds! Cut!”

One more time. “CUT CUT CUT! CUT IT OUT!”

Eventually, they’re kicked off set to take a five-minute break, and Yuuri and Victor leave together, giggling.

(What is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this—)

“This is completely your fault,” Victor laughs, drinking from his water bottle. Yuuri glares at him.

“You aren’t helping!” he jokes, and Victor snorts at that.

“I know I’m not, but it’s not like you are either,” he responds.

Yuuri glares at him again.

Victor shoots him a wicked smile.

(This is nice this is nice this is nice this is nice this is nice _fuck_ what’s happening?)

“This is nice,” Victor suddenly says, and Yuuri almost fucking drops his drink.

He gapes at him. Victor looks a little confused, but Yuuri can’t believe that just happened. Out of all the words that exist in the human vocabulary, that’s what he decided to say. Out of everything, he said _that_.

“What?” Victor asks, looking unsure now. But Yuuri doesn’t know what to do. What to say.

So he just bites back a smile, takes a sip of water, and says, “Nothing.”

(It’s not nothing.

It’s never nothing.)

 

 

[JUNE 2017]

 

They’ve finished filming, and press season has finally begun. Victor always liked press season because it was his opportunity to promote a movie he was thankful to be in and all the people that helped work on it.

And when he posted a picture of him and Yuuri on Instagram per request of Yakov, the world went insane.

 

  

And Victor is excited. Too excited, maybe. But he can’t help it.

(“ _We could co-star on a movie together”_ flashes in his mind, but he blinks it away. He needs to stop thinking about what the past would think of them now. He needs to start thinking about what he’s going to do about his present.)

And Yuuri texts him asking him which picture _he_ should post.

(It’s like how it used to be.

But it’s never going to be like that.

Fuck fuck fuck—he needs to stop wishing for that. _Shut up, Victor_.)

He texts back that Yuuri should choose the sneaky photo he took of Victor acting alone.

And Yuuri responds with a smiley face.

And And And And And—

Victor doesn’t know what to call this new development in their relationship.

 _Shut up, Victor_.

 

 

[MAY 2011]

 

They’re in bed together, and it’s so so lovely. Victor’s hands are buried in Yuuri’s hair, and Yuuri smiles against him, feeling another blush rise up. He still blushes around Victor, and that’s how he knows he’s perfect for him, how he knows they’re perfect together.

( _But things have been tense lately, Yuuri. Things have been tense. Talk to him about it_.)

“We’re getting kind of famous, aren’t we?” Yuuri asks, his words muffled a bit by Victor’s chest. Victor still hears him. He always hears him.

( _I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you so much_ , he thinks.)

Victor laughs. “What do you mean?”

“I mean we both have movie roles lined up and we both get hate from all directions.”

“And love,” Victor chimes in. Yuuri doesn’t say anything, simply burying himself more in Victor’s chest. He’s so warm, so comforting, so everything that Yuuri that absolutely loves and craves. “Yeah. I guess we are,” Victor finally adds on.

Yuuri is scared. He doesn’t want to admit that, but he is. He’s so scared of what will happen when they’re too famous.

“Will you still love me?” he asks, voice soft and unsure. Victor’s grip on his shoulder tightens and his other hand stops rubbing his hair for a moment.

“What?” he asks.

“Will you still love me? No matter how famous one of us or both of us get, will you still want to be with me?” Yuuri asks.

Victor looks shocked by the question, and Yuuri is so scared of what’ll he say. But then Victor just looks so sad, so unsure himself, and he leans his head down and tries to meld himself with Yuuri. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck—

“Of course, Yuuri. Of course, of course of _course._ I’m _always_ going to love you, Yuuri. _Always_. No amount of fame could change that. I promise,” he whispers, but it isn’t confused or unsure, it’s full of assurance, full of determination, and Yuuri relaxes against him.

“Same here,” he responds. Victor stays quiet, and Yuuri meets his gaze straight on. “I’m always going to love you too, Victor.”

And Victor’s answering smile is enough to disregard any insecurities Yuuri may have.

 

 

[JUNE 2017]

 

Uncomfortable.

That has to be the only way to describe how he feels, how they _both_ feel, how everybody in this damn _room_ feels.

Yakov wasn’t in total control of their press coverage. It’s not his job. He’s the director, not their management. But he did push for this. Coverage to show off their new “working” relationship. He wants to get the movie out there. It’s understandable. And nobody wants to see a movie where the two main actors hate each other.

Or would they? Victor honestly doesn’t think they’d care since the novelty of _the_ Yuuri Katsuki and _the_ Victor Nikiforov working together on a movie is enough to spur anybody into action.

Plus, they don’t hate each other anymore. At least Victor doesn’t hate Yuuri.

(He’s never hated Yuuri. No, what a lie. What a damn lie. He’s lying. Fuck fuck fuck—does it even _matter_? He doesn’t hate Yuuri now. There’s no hatred. It’s not indifference either. He isn’t sure indifference was ever possible, but no, it’s never never that.

He doesn’t hate Yuuri at all.

Not even a single bit.)

Yuuri doesn’t comment when Yakov uses that word. He doesn’t say a damn thing, and _fuck_ , what if Yuuri still hates Victor? What if what if what if—

_it doesn’t matter._

_It can’t matter anymore_.

(It’s up to Yuuri. It’s all up to Yuuri.

And if Yuuri wants to be mad at him.

Well,

he can’t do anything about that.)

But they both agreed to various sightings together. They both agreed to the dozens of interviews, and of course, the first one would be the worst because it’s the most anticipated.

Their first interview is a pre-recorded one. It seems their management know their bad past of live interviews, and this one will be released in a week or so. It’s a British man that’s interviewing them, and Victor knows he’s given him interviews before, met and talked to him before, but he was always too drunk, too sad, too apathetic to actually know who was interviewing him.

(They’re all the same to him. They all have the same questions, same “exciting” games, same everything, and it just gets so _tiresome_.)

When Victor got there, Yuuri was already there. Yuuri smiled at him, cheeks going pink, and Victor stopped in place.

(What was that what was that what was that what was that what was—)

“Nice to have you on again,” a man said (James?), smiling happily at him. Victor tore his gaze away from Yuuri, shook his hand, and went to the guest dressing room.

And now here he is, uncomfortable with Yuuri on one side and the man facing them on another chair.

And then the show is starting, and Victor and Yuuri are put in the spotlight. The small crowd of people applaud and cheer at the appropriate times, and Victor can’t help but start to feel a little giddy. He does hate interviews, but there’s also the part of him that adores them. Adores his fans like no other being in the world. Adores that he can create something that people actually _enjoy_. He loves that he can do that. He loves loves loves—

Yuuri is answering the question, but he must have said something that involves him because all eyes are on him, and Yuuri is giving him that fond look he’s been receiving more often than not.

(Why why why why why why?)

Victor laughs. “Could you repeat that?” he asks. The crowd laughs, and Yuuri rolls his eyes.

“James asked us why we weren’t at the Oscars, silly,” he says. Victor freezes at the mention of the Oscars, but laughs anyway.

“Ohhh. Well, I was memorizing lines of course!” he says.

(He probably was. But he could have gone. Should have gone. But that event only happened two years ago. It only happened two years ago and that’s what stopped him. Always Yuuri. Always that. Always his own stupid, complicated emotions that he doesn’t know if he wants to deal with anymore.)

Yuuri smiles at his response though. “Oh, is that why you forget your lines on set sometimes?” he asks eliciting more cheers and laughter from the audience.

Victor scoffs. “You do that too!”

“Not as much as you!” Yuuri protests.

Victor rolls his eyes. “ _Sure_.”

It continues like that for a little while longer, the interview ending up soon, but having went much more pleasantly than Victor anticipated.

Finally, James (the interviewer’s name that Victor finally remembered) laughs again, and says, “Well, we’re wrapping it up in just a bit. But I have to wonder….”

Both Yuuri and Victor still, afraid of what’s next, afraid that he’ll bring up something not even they themselves have managed to talk about yet, afraid that everything will go wrong just as it always has.

“I’ve heard so much about the movie, but what do the pair of _you_ think it’s about? How would you describe it?”

And that’s not at all what he was expecting. Yuuri smiles in relief, and Victor feels the tension leave his shoulders.

“Well,” Yuuri starts.

“It’s about two men,” Victor continues.

“That love and loved each other,” Yuuri keeps saying, looking at Victor, who was already looking back.

“Who lose each other,” he hears himself say.

“But find each other again,” Yuuri finishes.

(Victor can feel, hear, understand each beat his heart is making, and it feels like it always does, but it’s something more, there’s something more there, and Victor is still looking at Yuuri even though he’s already looked away, blush creeping up on his cheeks. Victor thinks he’s blushing too. He can’t tell. He can’t tell. He doesn’t care he doesn’t care he doesn’t care.)

“Well, you certainly _have_ been around each other quite a bit to do what you just did. Also, that sounds absolutely lovely, and I’m _so_ very excited to see it,” James laughs. He says a few more things, promoting their movie, but Victor just hears his heart beat over and over and over and over over over over again.

 _Fuck_.

Finally, the interview comes to an end, and Yuuri still isn’t looking at him.

 _Not again, please_.

“Hey, Yuuri?” Victor asks as Yuuri starts to leave. Yuuri stops, and he catches up to him.

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Do you want to get something to eat?”

He hears the inhale of Yuuri’s breath. “What?” he asks.

“Something to eat? I’m a little hungry, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?”

(He’s doing this he’s doing this he’s doing this he’s doing this he can do this.)

Exhale.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Victor adds. Oh, _fuck_. “I mean, really. I understand. You don’t have to. In fact, I’m not even that—”

“Sure,” Yuuri says, finally looking up at him.

(The world’s shifted. Stopped turning. Something is finally right.)

Victor smiles, partially in relief. Okay, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, now what?

“Okay,” he says.

They don’t speak while they get their things and their schedules from the management. But they look at each other. So much. So so much.

(Something is finally right.)

“So?” Yuuri asks, standing in the doorway.

“Yes.”

“Are you coming or not?”

(Victor didn’t expect this when he opened his eyes this morning. He didn’t expect this. He didn’t expect this at all, not one bit. He woke up, dreading the day, dreading what would happen, dreading the interview and having to see Yuuri, but he woke up, so happy he got to see Yuuri, and he woke up, and for long moments, he didn’t want to be up at all, wanted to go back to sleep, but that couldn’t happen, and now he’s here, and the day is still the same, and Yuuri is smiling at him, and they’re going out to eat. Something is finally

right.)

 

 

[JUNE 2017]

 

They’re flirting again. And Victor thinks about everything they are. They’re flirting again. They text more. They are _more_. Something is _more_. They’re flirting again. Flirting again. Victor isn’t drinking as much. They’re flirting again. Flirting again. Victor isn’t drinking as much as before. They’re flirting again. Yuuri came over the other day. Yuuri watched a movie with him.

Victor isn’t drinking as much, and he doesn’t like to think about what that means.

(It’s right. They’re right.)

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2009]

 

Victor’s invited him over for a movie marathon night. And he knows it’s such a random day of the week, a Sunday. He should have invited him while it would still be the weekend tomorrow, or at least on a day where they don’t have to work the next day. Something else. Not today, but Yuuri still lit up when Victor asked him, and he’s still here, still about to knock on Victor’s door.

And when Victor opens it, Yuuri feels his catch breath. It always seems to catch around Victor.

(He has to ignore it though. He… he knows he definitely _feels_ something for Victor, but he doesn’t know if Victor feels it, doesn’t know what he’d say, doesn’t know how it’d affect their working relationship.

He doesn’t know, and Yuuri is so scared to say anything about it. He loves their friendship, and he doesn’t want to do _anything_ to risk that.)

“Yuuri!” Victor exclaims, a bright bright smile on his face. He immediately wraps himself around Yuuri, and Yuuri can feel himself _blushing_ , fuck.

“Hey,” he says, smiling so softly at Victor. Victor looks so happy he’s there, and Yuuri just _likes_ him so much.

(He’s never felt this before. He doesn’t deal well, and and and and and he hopes that Victor never leaves him behind. He hopes he can stay by Victor’s side forever and ever.)

“Are you ready?” Victor asks, shutting the door, hand still grasping onto him tightly, but gently, and Yuuri just nods, feeling giddy. He leads Yuuri to the couch, and Victor still hasn’t let go of him. “I’m so glad your mom was okay with you sleeping over!” he says.

Yuuri blushes. When he told his mom he was spending the night at Victor’s, she teased and teased him. So did his dad. And his sister. Literally why does his entire family hate him? But later that night, he confessed he was scared to do it, scared that he feels so so much and that Victor doesn’t, and he had started crying. He was so scared of what he felt for Victor, and his mom already knew, of course she knew, but dammit, _he_ barely even knew.

 _“It’s always going to be okay, Yuuri. I swear it will,”_ she had said. Yuuri was holding onto that.

The couch is comfortable, and Yuuri notices, impressed, that Victor has already laid out an assortment of snack food.

He groans. “You know how easily I gain weight!” he exclaimed. Victor huffs, immediately sitting down next to him and tackling into him.

“Who cares?” Victor exclaims. “You’re always beautiful.”

Yuuri rolls his eyes, blushing blushing blushing. “Shut up.”

“Never,” Victor responds. He turns his head to the screen, sitting up just a bit, but still leaning his entire body against Yuuri.

“So, what do you want to watch?” he asks, peering up at Yuuri. Yuuri can’t stop _blushing_. And Yuuri _swears_ he sees Victor smirk.

( _He flirts with everyone, Yuuri. He flirts with everyone. You aren’t special you aren’t special you aren’t special._ )

“I don’t know,” he mumbles. “Whatever you think would be good.”

Victor huffs again. “I could be watching the worst movie in the world, and it’d still be the best,” he mutters.

Yuuri’s heart drops. “What?”

Suddenly, Victor is the one who’s blushing, and he pulls away, abruptly sitting up. “I mean….”

“Wait, no. What did you mean by that? That doesn’t make sense, silly,” he says.

Victor looks nervous, and Yuuri doesn’t understand _why_.

“Victor?”

Finally, Victor responds. “I mean. Since I’m watching it with you. It’s the best. Since you’re here. Even though… it might be the worst. But since… well, since you’re here, it’s the… best… does that make sense?”

Yuuri frowns at him. This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair he can just _do_ that to people because Yuuri is _hurting_ and it’s because Victor says stupid stuff like that. He can’t just _do_ that. Why does he just _do_ that?

“Stop saying that,” he says. He’s _angry_.

“What?”

“Why do you do that to everyone, Victor? You shouldn’t keep _doing_ that. It… it _hurts,_ Victor, and it’s not _fair_ ,” he says. He looks away. At the television screen. This is going so terribly already. He didn’t mean to start being so mean.

“Yuuri, what are talking about? Did I offend you? I’m really sorry if I did,” Victor responds, and _no._ Yuuri throws him an irritated glance.

“I _know_ you don’t like me like… like _that_ , so why do you say stuff like that, Victor? ‘It could be the worst movie, but with you, it’s the best.’ Why did you say that? _Why_?”

Victor’s frowning at him now. Great. This is why Yuuri doesn’t have that many friends. This why nobody likes to talk to him. This is why. He’s always just assuming so much so much so much so much, and Yuuri feels like he’s about to start _crying_.

“Yuuri.”

 _Dammit_. Is he already crying? _He’s so pathetic so pathetic how is he supposed to keep any sort of friendship when he assumes so much?_ Yuuri can’t look at him. Yuuri doesn’t want to look at him and see Victor’s disgust.

“Yuuri,” Victor says again, and Yuuri finally forces himself to look back at him. Victor is _smiling_.

“Do you think this is funny?” he spits out without thinking.  

(Why is he being so _mean?!_ He’s just so angry. So angry at himself for liking Victor at all, so angry at Victor for being so flirty with everybody, so angry at everything everything everything he just wants Victor to _like_ him.

He’s so selfish. He’s being so selfish.

He’s so angry at himself.

He's just so hurt so hurt so hurt by what he can never be with Victor.)

Victor is still smiling despite his mean response, and Yuuri doesn’t understand _why_. _Why_ is he still smiling? _Why_ does he flirt so much with Yuuri? _Why_ does it have to hurt so much? Why why why why why why _WHY?_

“Yuuri, will you be my boyfriend?”

Yuuri blinks.

Wait, what? This can’t be happening, he’s playing a joke on him, but Victor wouldn’t be so cruel. He wouldn’t be so cruel about that. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that, Yuuri _knows_ he wouldn’t do such a shitty thing. It has to be something else. There’s some other reason that he’s asking him.

 _Maybe he likes you back_ , he thinks so briefly, so hopefully, but but but but but but but but but

“No,” he says, answering himself. He’s so stupid.

“Oh.”

Wait, Victor looks so _sad_. Wait, no no no no no no—

“Victor?” he asks.

“I’m sorry for asking, Yuuri. Please still be my friend. Please. I really really like you, Yuuri, and I really love hanging out with you.”

Yuuri is so confused.

“Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend?”

Victor’s biting at his lip.

(He only does that when he’s incredibly nervous.

       Yuuri hates himself for knowing that.)

“Thank you,” Victor says. “I’m sorry for asking you to be my boyfriend. I-I understand now.” He laughs suddenly. It sounds like the saddest damn laugh Yuuri’s ever heard. “Who knew you’d be such a heartbreaker.” He laughs again, and Yuuri is _confused_.

“You weren’t playing a joke on me?”

Victor frowns. “What?”

And then Yuuri understands. And when he does, his heart is dancing, he’s dancing, he’s dancing in front of a large crowd, he’s dancing so fluidly, so happily, so wonderfully, and he can’t stop _dancing_ , and the whole damn _world_ is cheering him on, cheering them on, he feels so happy.

He laughs suddenly. He can’t remember feeling so elated. This is so nice. He’s so nice. He feels so nice, and Victor is so _nice_. But when he laughs, he notices that Victor deflates, and oh shit, he hasn’t said anything yet.

“I want to be your boyfriend. Yes. I was confused. I thought you were playing a prank on me. It’s happened before. I didn’t think you liked me back. You flirt with a lot of people. I’m sorry. I do want to be your boyfriend. I want that so so much, Victor.” He says it all, and when Victor realizes, he laughs too, laughs brightly and wonderfully, and suddenly Yuuri is dancing with a partner, and the whole damn world is still cheering, still shouting all the nice things, still clapping for them, and Yuuri _knows_ this is right. This was supposed to happen.

(It feels right.)

“So you’re saying yes?!” Victor exclaims, immediately lighting up. Yuuri nods, still laughing still laughing, and suddenly, Victor is there again, pressing his entire body against him as they hold tightly onto each other.

(This is so nice.)

Victor starts to pull back after a few seconds, but Yuuri holds him tighter. “Don’t let go.”

Victor shakes his head. “I won’t.”

(So so so so nice.)

 

 

[JUNE 2017]

 

It all comes to a resounding conclusion much too soon, Victor thinks. Or too late. So so late. It’s been so long. He wasn’t expecting it, but he was, and like he knew it would happen, it’s Yuuri that brings it up.

(It had to be Yuuri. It had to be him.)

“Do you want to finally talk about it?”

The words are said so softly, but to Victor, they were screams.

“I’m glad,” is what he says. Yuuri frowns at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m glad you brought it up. I didn’t know how to bring it up. I didn’t know what to say. And I felt like it should be _you_ to bring it up, Yuuri. It had to be you. I wanted _you_ to be the one to initiate it. I… I knew I needed to stop acting so selfishly.”

Yuuri nods. “I didn’t want you to bring it up either,” he says.

(Victor feels like this should feel more awkward. But it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way at all.

It feels inevitable.)

“So?” Yuuri says.

“What?”

“Do you want to get over me?”

It’s happening again, and Victor knows he needs to say something different this time.

“Don’t say you don’t know. I… I need an answer, Vitya.” Always such a damn mind reader.

But Victor feels like a _coward_. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to be with Yuuri again. He doesn’t deserve to feel like he did in the past. Not after all the shit he’s broken, not after all the shit he’s done, he doesn’t _deserve_ it.

“Yes.”

Yuuri doesn’t even blink. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“You _are_. You’re lying because if you weren’t lying then I wouldn’t be here. _We_ wouldn’t be here if you were telling the truth, Victor. Why can’t you just tell the _truth_?”

“I’m sorry,” is what Victor says, and Yuuri sighs.

“Victor.”

Victor sucks in a breath.

“Do you want to get over me?”

“Do _you_ want to get over me?” is what he says.

(He’s such a fucking coward. He such a fucking coward. He’s such a coward coward COWARD and he wants a drink, he wants a fucking drink please please please let him ignore this despite the warning signs.)

Yuuri sighs again, looking so _sad_ , so _conflicted_. And Victor is _terrified_ of his answer.

“No,” Yuuri says. “I don’t want to get over you. So? Do you?”

“I’m sorry I lied,” is what Victor says, and Yuuri just softly smiles at him, still so so sad. Victor clears his throat. “I’m sorry I’m a coward. I’m sorry I can’t say what I mean. I’m so sorry, Yuuri. I just… I don’t want to lose you again. I lost you last time. But I don’t feel like I deserve you, Yuuri. Not after all the shit I put you through.”

Yuuri scoffs. “What about what _I_ put you through? Victor, we _both_ fucked up. We had our relationship, and it was _good_ , and it was _us_ that completely destroyed it. We burned it. We smashed it. We fucking _destroyed_ it, and it wasn’t _my_ fault and it wasn’t _yours_ , it was _ours_. We were… we were too much, Victor. And we were too young. And I don’t want to get over you because I don’t think that will happen again. There you have it. There’s honesty. So, Victor, why can’t you just _say_ it?”

(Victor knows he’s right. He usually is. Always more in control of himself. It was always Victor that was so damn emotional. Yuuri would be the one to bottle it in, bottle it in until he exploded, and his explosions would destroy the damn planet. Victor was always the blunt one, always the one that was so honest about how he was feeling and how things should be dealt with.

But when Yuuri left him, the feelings were so so so so so _much_ , and Victor couldn’t deal with the heartbreak, he couldn’t let himself _feel_ that strongly anymore, he couldn’t let himself be who he was because it fucking _hurt_ so much. It hurt so much, and suddenly drinking helped him let it out, rein it in, helped him not feel as much anymore when sober, helped him not think as much anymore, but it completely destroyed him along the way.

He destroyed himself because he never let himself deal with the pain the way he usually did. He destroyed himself, and he _knows_ he did, but maybe but maybe but maybe but maybe that was the entire _point_.)

“I don’t want to get over you,” Victor cries, and he cries and cries, and he _knows_ he doesn’t deserve to feel so much pain, knows that it was both of their faults, knows that they’re here again, together again, but he didn’t know that for the past five years. He didn’t know it would happen again, he didn’t know _they_ would come together like this again, and Victor became so bad with dealing with everything, so bad at communicating his feelings, and since he was never like that in the past, he didn’t know what to _do_. “I’m an _idiot_.”

Yuuri shushes him, holding him so tightly, and this, _this_ is what Victor has been yearning for all these years. But since he couldn’t have it again, he wondered if he could destroy himself to the point where he stopped caring. He never stopped though. He never stopped he never stopped he couldn’t _stop_.

Victor cries for a long time. So does Yuuri. Yuuri’s shaking as he holds onto him, just as tightly as he always had. He was always so afraid to lose him. Always so afraid. That was always his biggest fear, he’d tell Victor.

And Victor didn’t really fear that until it had already happened.

Victor can’t remember the last time he cried so much. Maybe it was years ago, maybe it was last week, maybe it was when he saw Yuuri again, he doesn’t _know_ , but Yuuri is right here, right beside him, and he realizes he doesn’t _want_ to remember.

Yuuri talks to him throughout it all. Talks about his favorite memories, his least favorite, talks about how proud of Victor he is, talks about how he missed Victor and Victor’s friends, talks about everything that hasn’t been said yet, and Victor just listens.

“I think you need to see someone about the drinking, Victor,” he also says, somewhere in between him explaining how scared for Victor he’s been, ever since the Oscars. Ever since he was so mean to him all throughout the years. Victor hears the guilt in Yuuri’s voice, and Victor holds onto him tighter, trying to let him know that his choices were his own. “When I saw you at Phichit’s party… I was so scared, Victor. And I think you should see someone. I don’t exactly know the procedures, but I want to be there for you when you do. I want to be there. I really do. Please. I’m so scared I’ll lose you again. Please.”

It’s not hard for Victor to agree with him. It’s not hard at all. He agrees. He knows. He knows he knows he _knows_ , and a large part of him is grateful Yuuri said anything at all about it.

“Okay,” he agrees. And even though he _does_ want to get better, he’s so scared. He’s so scared of what happens after. He’s so scared of how people will react. He’s so scared that nothing will work and he’ll still want to drink, but another another another part of him _knows_ he’ll be okay, he _has_ to be okay because he knows if he works hard enough to help himself like this then it’ll be _worth it_.

It was Yuuri that told him that. So many years ago.

And Yuuri is so often right.

He has to be right.

Yuuri shakes with sobs when Victor starts mumbling about his drinking into his chest. So so sad. So many sad things that happened to him. So much shit. So much shit. So much shit, but it has to be said, it _has_ to be talked about, it can’t just sit around and fester until there’s nothing left of it except all the bad things.

He has to say it so it can float into the sky, float into the world, float into the air where it can become only good things.

(That doesn’t make sense. He isn’t making sense. Nothing makes sense except for what he knows he has to do.)

Yuuri doesn’t say much when he talks and talks and talks. Yuuri doesn’t say much, but he’s _doing_ so much, he _is_ so much.

And by the end of their resounding conclusion, it’s only just evening, it’s only just another day, it’s only just another moment, but their conclusion isn’t a conclusion at all, and both of them agree to wait a bit, let it happen naturally, let it happen without force. Both agree to come together once again, but to _wait_ until it’s finally right.

Until the moment is finally right.

(They’re both so tired of being with each other when it isn’t.)

 

 

[JULY 2017]

 

In their fifth outing together for promoting the film, Yuuri leans over the small coffee table and kisses Victor in front of everybody who cares enough to watch.

“I’m ready,” Yuuri mumbles into his mouth. His lips are a firestorm soaked in tears.

“Then I am too.”

 

 

[OCTOBER 2017]

 

It’s their last interview for a while, and it’s about to end, and it seems that Victor has to let the entire world that he’s both in love with Yuuri and enamored by the wonderful release date of their movie.

“Make sure to watch _Pigeon Alley_ in November. It comes out on our darling Yuuri’s birthday, so you _have_ to watch it.”

“ _Victor_.”

“It does! By the way, that’s November 29th for all of those who don’t know! So after tweeting Yuuri happy birthday, you _have_ to go see the movie, okay?”

Yuuri grins, rolling his eyes.

(He’s so proud of Victor. Proud of himself. Proud of what they finally managed to be together. Proud that Victor hasn’t had a drink in three weeks. Proud that Victor is finally letting himself get better. And he wants to show Victor’s accomplishments off to the whole world while simultaneously keeping him all to himself.)

“Well, _I_ think you should go watch it because Victor’s acting is honestly phenomenal, and if he doesn’t win an Oscar next year, I’m organizing my own protest.”

He grins when Victor scoffs dramatically. He loves him so much. Loves him so much. Loves him so much.

And Victor protests, but reaches over and holds his hand as he does, and Yuuri wonders what his life would be like at all if he hadn’t met Victor. If he hadn’t fallen in love with him. If he hadn’t given his all to him.

 _Probably pretty dull_ , he thinks.

“So go see _Pigeon Alley_!” he exclaims, cutting both Victor and his own thoughts off.

And the crowd cheers and cheers and cheers.

 

 

[MAY 2017]

 

Victor’s walking quickly up the steps because he knows that man, it’s him, and Yuuri is so far away from where he is. It’s been nine years since they’ve seen other, and Victor is trying his best to act like it.

“Hey!” he exclaims. “You! Stop walking for a moment!”

Yuuri stops walking, but doesn’t turn around, and Victor rushes over to him, pigeons flying off in his peripheral. He pauses. That _means_ something to his character and he has to show it.

When he finally reaches Yuuri, he smiles.

Yuuri turns around, immediately freezing as his eyes go wide.

“I think I _know_ you,” Yuuri whispers, and Victor smiles again.

It’s been so long for their characters. Victor nods.

“I think I’ve been looking for you.”

“Well, fuck,” Yuuri says, and Victor smiles, relieved,

“I’m Devon,” Victor says. Yuuri’s eyes widen at that.

“I’m… I’m Toshio,” says Yuuri.

Victor nods. He already knows that of course, and in this moment, his character does too. “Do you want to get a drink or something?”

“Yes,” Yuuri says instantly. “Yes. That sounds good.”

Victor smiles at him. “Awesome. I’m glad I finally found you.”

Yuuri frowns at him. “What does that mean?”

(Victor doesn’t know why he’s putting himself so much into this scene. He doesn’t know why this scene should matter at all.)

“I don’t know. I just… like I said, I feel like I’ve been looking for you. So, I’m glad I finally found you, is all.”

Yuuri bites back a smile, studying him curiously. “Then I’m glad you found me too. I mean, I didn’t know I was lost at all, but I suppose it’s nice to be found.”

And this is the last scene of the movie, the last line his character says, the last thing that’s said on screen, and he has to say it _correctly_ because they’ve already run this scene three times, but Victor feels like maybe this could be the one they use, the scene that’s shown. So he grins just like he’s supposed to. And Yuuri lets himself smile just like he’s supposed to.

And he says, “I can’t think of anything nicer” just like he’s supposed to. Always just like he's supposed to. And Yuuri is still smiling at him, and Victor is smiling back, and it _is_ nice, and it _feels_ nice, and and and and and and and—

“CUT!”

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH, it's done~ (also I hate writing endings wtfffff)
> 
> by the way, in case you were a lil more curious about the premise of Pigeon Alley (the movie, I mean) this is exactly what I wrote in my outline:
> 
> what is Pigeon Alley?  
> well, it’s a feeling, a concept, a metaphor.  
> metaphor for how love doesn’t always work out, that it can come at you even in places as weird as this. pigeon alley is a place in a “wonderland” type of place. and when two men enter a coma in different places in the world, they have to help each other get out. it’s filled with their own fears, nightmares, hopes, and dreams and they get to know each other like nothing before. pigeons cover the skies and there’s a moon in the ground. there is no sexual contact, but there is a love, a trust, a type of relationship that so many ignore. they fall in love, and help each other get out of the coma in the end, but when they wake up, they forget it all. and yet the feeling remains. and nine years later, they meet, and they fall in love again, but this time, in their own world. 
> 
> I'M CHEESY. 
> 
> Anyway, I really do adore knowing what you thought about it so any comments would be the most appreciated <3
> 
> so so so so so SOOO much love to every single one of you. 
> 
> xxxxxx
> 
> EDIT (October 2017): I have a book out! Learn more on [my website here](http://diannamorales.com/)  
> 


	5. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little over five months later and I am HERE to give you this sappy as hell epilogue. 
> 
> how did this come about, you may ask? well last night, I could NOT get to bed and when I woke up, I saw that I had planned out an epilogue on my phone. And damn, I just wrote all of it today, huh. 
> 
> also fun fact, but I published a BOOK since I finished this story! you can find out more about it [here at my website](http://diannamorales.com/)  
> I hope this cheesy epilogue makes you smile! xxxxx

[MARCH 2018]

 

“Yuuuuri, are you ready?” Victor asks, standing by the door.

“I’m coming I’m coming!”

A few seconds later, Yuuri comes rushing down the hallway, hands fumbling at his tie. Victor smiles at him, letting his heart beat wildly at the sight of him.

(He loves this man with his whole being.)

Yuuri sends him a strained smile and Victor beams at him.

“Are you nervous?”

Yuuri looks away, hands still working at his tie. “I’m not going to win, so… no.”

Victor scoffs and reaches forward, swatting Yuuri’s shaking hands away. “You’re going to win,” Victor says firmly as his hands delicately, but swiftly fix Yuuri’s tie.

Yuuri blushes, but doesn’t correct him otherwise.

When Victor finishes correcting the horrible things Yuuri did to his own tie in the manner of seconds, he leans back and beams, taking in his boyfriend.

“You look gorgeous. You have your speech prepared, right?”

“I’m not going to win!”

Victor gives him a look.

“… I do have my speech prepared, yes. Although, I’m not going to win so it won’t _matter_.”

Victor just hums, holding out his arm for Yuuri to take.

“Well, I think you’ll be surprised tonight, Yuuri. The chauffeur is waiting, come on.”

Yuuri’s arm slips through Victor’s, and Victor briefly wonders if he’ll ever stop feeling his heart race around Yuuri. Being with Yuuri is the most calming yet most exhilarating feeling.

They’re headed to the Oscars. _Pigeon Alley_ is nominated for five Academy Awards this year, and Victor remembers when the nomination list was released, holding Yuuri tightly, Yuuri telling him he’ll be the one that’s nominated for Best Actor (in a leading role, of _course_ ), but Victor _knowing_ otherwise and getting to smirk at Yuuri when he was proven correct.

Yakov had also been nominated for Best Director. Otabek was nominated for Best Original Screenplay.

And somehow unsurprisingly, _Pigeon Alley_ was nominated for Best Picture.

(Victor honestly didn’t know if they’d win this one or not.)

Yuuri’s grip on him is tight on the ride there, and Victor just smiles at him. He honestly doesn’t know if _Pigeon Alley_ will win any of the awards, but he knows, _knows_ , Yuuri will win Best Actor.

The car suddenly slows as they enter the traffic of the Oscars, and suddenly Yuuri is turning to him.

“Victor, what if I _win_?”

Victor gives him an amused smile. “You will.”

Yuuri somehow manages to glare behind his blush. “ _Victor_.”

“ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor says back teasingly.

Yuuri purses his lips and looks away. Victor sighs, leaning toward Yuuri.

“Yuuri~”

“I’m nervous, Vitya.”

“I know. And it’s okay that you are. If you don’t win, that’s okay, Yuuri. But if you do, and you will, it’ll be deserved.” Victor presses his forehead against Yuuri’s shoulder. “You deserve to win, Yuuri. Really. You do.”

Yuuri’s shoulder is warm, soft, hard, comforting, and exhilarating. Victor would follow this man to the ends of the earth.

Yuuri lets out a deep breath, nuzzling against Victor’s head.

“Thank you. I love you.”

Victor pulls back a bit, kisses him lightly on the lips (sparks capture his heart), and smiles at him.

“I love you too.”

Right on time, their car reaches the entrance, and Yuuri finally lets himself smile at Victor.

(Such a change. A change for Victor to go back to being the one to support Yuuri like this. Such a change. A change for Victor to finally feel needed and loved again.

Such a change.)

Their chauffeur is opening the door and Victor, maybe in another life, would have been immediately blinded by the flashes of cameras, but he isn’t even looking at them, and Yuuri isn’t looking at them either, and so they leave the car, looking at each other, and holding each other’s hand firmly.

The Oscars used to be something Victor would loathe. Bad memories bad memories bad memories—Yuuri’s grip in his tightens and Victor is floating.

He finally faces the cameras and he beams at them.

Victor finds himself slightly surprised that his smiles are genuine. He’s happy to be here he’s happy to be here he’s happy to be here, and his recovery has been a long one, months and months of work put into his alcoholism and months and months of work put into his relationship with Yuuri, but they’re here, and their movie is nominated for five Oscars, and Victor never wants to forget this moment.

They walk down the red carpet together, smiling at fans who lined up just to see them and they take turns posing for the dozens and dozens of cameras pointed at the pair of them.

They somehow manage to avoid any of the interviewers wandering around, and Victor doesn’t feel guilty because he sees Yakov being hassled by one meaning there was at least somebody to talk about their movie.

Yuuri is quiet beside him, shaking with obvious excitement and nerves, but their grip on each other remains strong, stable, comforting.

Quickly sitting at their film’s designated seats, he sees that Otabek is already there.

“Altin!” Victor exclaims. Otabek smiles at their entrance.

“Good to see the two of you,” he says back.

Yuuri nods at him as they both take their seats. “It’s nice to see you too, Otabek.”

They speak for a bit more, but a few minutes later, a hand clasps on Victor’s shoulder, startling him.

“Don’t think I didn’t see you leave me to the dogs like that, Nikiforov.”

Victor turns around, shooting a sly smile at Yakov. “Well, you’re a renowned director, Yakov. I had to give them what they want.”

Yuuri shakes his head, rolling his eyes. (Victor can totally tell he’s holding back a smile though.)

“Hello, Yakov. It’s nice to see you again. I heard you’ve gotten back together with Lilia. Congratulations. Is she here?”

Yakov grunts, but smiles at Yuuri anyway.

(Victor would be partially offended if he wasn’t so head-over-heels for Yuuri as well.)

“She’s in the restroom ‘putting herself together,’ whatever that means.”

Victor snorts. “You definitely wouldn’t understand.”

Yakov ignores him. Victor fakes a pout.

Lilia finally joins them as do as the other important contributors to the film. Victor finally remembers what the other category they were nominated for when he shakes the cinematographer’s hand again.

They talk for a bit more, laughing and debating who will win which.

And then finally, the lights dim a bit and the show has begun.

Yuuri reaches for Victor again, and they watch as the event unfolds.

They don’t win Best Cinematography, but they do lose to a worthy contestant. Victor still feels a pang of sadness shoot through him, especially after seeing their cinematographer visibly deflate.

They all hold their breath when the nominees for Best Original Screenplay are being called out and Otabek stiffens and and and and

“Otabek Altin, writer of _Pigeon Alley_!” is suddenly announced and they’re all standing up, shouting their support and excitement, and Otabek looks absolutely shell-shocked.

“Congratulations!!!!!!! Go up there!” Yuuri exclaims, pushing at Otabek a bit. Otabek sends him a panicked look, but eventually makes his way to the stage.

They give him the award and Victor is so so proud, so proud, so proud, so happy that this man is being recognized for his obvious talent.

He is silent for a few seconds before finally, he clears his throat and says, “I… I wrote _Pigeon Alley_ with Yuuri and Victor in mind.”

Both men still in surprise. Otabek smiles in their direction.

“I… I had been a fan of their work, and honestly, when they broke up, I was inspired to write this script. And after a couple of years of editing and revising and trying to convince myself to submit it, Yakov noticed me, and honestly, I think took pity on me.”

They all laugh. Yakov laughs, but he still shakes his head, muttering, “I did it because the script was too good to let go, fool.”

Victor smiles in his direction before directing his attention back to Otabek.

“I’m beyond honored to have won this, but I know I couldn’t have done it with the entire crew’s effort. And to every other screenwriter out there. You all have inspired me. And I thank you. And finally, I _have_ to thank my… my parents as they were the first ones to support me. Thank you all for letting me share my story with you.”

The audience applauds and cheers, and Victor and Yuuri are so touched, so moved, and Victor may be crying, he doesn’t know, but finally, the categories move on.

Yuuri looks at Victor as they announce the next winners, and he smiles.

“I’m proud of him,” Yuuri says.

Victor nods. “I am too.”

(His heart is soaring because there are few other moments where he’s this happy, this comfortable, this _warm_.)

A few minutes later, it’s announced that Yakov didn’t win Best Director.

Their section goes a bit quiet as the other director moves onstage, but Yakov just laughs at them.

“I knew I wouldn’t win. I saw that man’s work. It’s outstanding. Clap for him, idiots.”

Victor claps for the other man because he knows addressing the disappointment Yakov is feeling would be worse.

As soon as the man leaves the stage, Yuuri freezes.

He shoots Victor a panicked look. “ _Victor._ ”

Victor laughs at him. “Yes?”

 _“Victor_.”

“You’ll be fine, Yuuri. Whether you win or not. You’ll win though.”

Yuuri lets out an irritated and panicked huff. Victor squeezes his hand.

“I love you. Try to calm down, love. You’ll be okay.”

Yuuri nods, taking a deep breath. He does this for a few more minutes, and Victor supports him throughout.

And then finally, they’re listing off the nominees. They say Yuuri’s name last and when they do, Yuuri tenses even more.

“And the Oscar goes to… Yuuri Katsuki, _Pigeon Alley!”_

Victor has them standing up before Yuuri can even register the words fully, and he’s kissing him so fiercely.

“I told you so,” Victor says.

Yuuri looks shocked, elated, happy, in love, but finally, he moves to the stage. Victor doesn’t think he could beam any more than he is now.

Yuuri accepts the award and facing the audience, he smiles blindingly.

“Wow. Uhm. Wow. Working on this film has definitely been one of the most conflicting yet best experiences of my lifetime. Conflicting because I was working with my very handsome ex at the time, but the best because… because it changed me as a person, not just in capability as an actor, but also as person. I would like to thank my family—I love all of you so much thank you for never giving up on me—Otabek Altin, the entire crew of _Pigeon Alley_ from the editors, the casting directors, the makeup artists, the costume designers, and more. I want to thank Yakov for giving me the opportunity to be in this film, and I also want to thank him for taking a chance with me at the beginning of my career. It’s because of him I was able to access the resources for the start of my career. And lastly, I want to thank Victor for helping me grow as a person and for letting me love him and for loving me. Uh. Thank you so much.”

Victor loves loves loves this man. When Yuuri leaves the stage, Victor feels a pang of sadness that he won’t be able to be back to see who wins Best Picture.

Minutes pass and finally, after the winner for Best Actress is announced, Best Picture is up.

And they fucking win.

Victor grins and Yakov pats his back as they all make their way onstage.

“Making this film was honestly… hell. Yet I wouldn’t change it for the world. We are very thankful that we were able to share this film with the world. I, as a director, am thankful to have had an amazing, no matter how annoying they could be, cast, mainly Yuuri and Victor. Everyone else involved in this film should also know that without their efforts, we wouldn’t be where we are now. Thank you. Victor?”

Victor takes the mic, elated and anxious to just see Yuuri again. “He about cleared it up. Everyone involved- I thank you. And I thank the many people in my life who have inspired me, namely Yuuri Katsuki. He inspired me both as an actor and as a person. Thank you.”

The audience cheers and finally, they’re ushered backstage where they are bombarded with pictures and questions, and finally, finally, _finally_ , Victor sees Yuuri.

Once again, he leaves Yakov to the dogs.

“Victor! We won Best Picture?!”

“Yes! But you won Best Actor!”

They beam at each other, smiling widely.

“I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too.”

“I’m just… I’m proud of _us_ , Victor. We… we made it.”

Victor nods, pulling Yuuri in for a hug. “We did indeed.”

  

[MAY 2021]

 

On their two-year wedding anniversary, Yuuri and Victor decide to adopt.

Yuuri beams at him when Victor presents the papers he’s had for over a year, and they kiss each other until the moon comes out to say, “Congratulations, lovers.”

 

[OCTOBER 2027]

 

“Yakov! You’re looking quite elderly, huh?”

Yakov grunts at him. “Don’t know why you were invited.”

Victor grins at him. “Why wouldn’t I be? You’re so mean to me. It’s the twenty-year anniversary in which we started to work together! Isn’t that something to be celebrated?”

Yakov doesn’t respond.

Yuuri suddenly shows up, wrapping his arm around Victor’s waist. “Are you bothering Yakov again, Vitya? You’re too old for that, aren’t you?”

Victor gasps. “Are you calling me old! I’m not even forty yet!”

Yuuri rolls his eyes. “Two more years, old man.”

Yakov snorts. “Good to see you, Yuuri. How are the kids?”

Victor gasps again. “Why didn’t you ask _me_ that, Yakov? I’m also their father! I also know how my own children are doing!”

Yakov rolls his eyes. “I didn’t ask you because I knew you’d be annoying like that.”

Yuuri laughs. “They’re fantastic. Amara just turned five, and Vera is starting to think that her being seven means she’s an adult now for some reason. It’s really cute, honestly.”

Victor nods solemnly. “Yesterday, I asked Vera what she wanted for breakfast and she told me, “No, Papa. I will make breakfast.” And she _did_ , but it… it was worse than Yuuri’s cooking!”

Yuuri scoffs. “Just because you were somehow a chef in your other life doesn’t mean my cooking is _terrible_ ,” he sniffs.

Victor rolls his eyes. “You burned the pasta last time. _Pasta_. How do you even burn pasta?”

“It wasn’t burnt! Just… a little… overdone.”

Victor just looks at him.

Their squabbling is interrupted by Yakov who is shaking his head. “How do the two of you act like you’ve just started dating yet have been married for years at the same time? Lovesick fools.”

Victor raises an eyebrow. “Who was the one who called me yesterday asking how to give a proper massage to your lover?”

Yakov splutters, but Victor and Yuuri just laugh.

The anniversary party goes on a little longer, and finally, Phichit shows up.

“Phichit! The party is almost done!”

“It’s not like I even _knew_ you by this point, Yuuri. I only came because of guilt. Where’s Mila? If I have to be here then why isn’t _she_ here?”

Victor smiles at him. “She’s at home watching movies with Sara. They wanted a night in.”

Phichit eyes them for a moment. “Why are you wearing rings on necklaces? They aren’t your engagement rings so what are they? I haven’t seen them before,” he suddenly says.

Yuuri blushes. “Oh. They’re rings that we got for each other ages ago. Promise rings….”

Victor nods. “Wearing one ring isn’t enough for me. I love Yuuri more than just _one_ ring.”

Yuuri shoves him. “Sappy.”

Victor eyes him. “You are too.”

“That’s true, Yuuri. You really are. Need I remind you of the countless stories and phone calls in which you spouted poetics about Victor’s eyes for four hours?”

“Phichit!” Yuuri groaned.

Victor just smiles, amused. “No worse than me.”

Phichit nods quickly at that. “Honestly.”

Phichit excuses himself a few minutes later, leaving Victor and Yuuri alone.

Victor eyes the banner which reads “ _TWENTY YEARS SINCE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS!”_

“I’m glad you tried out for that show, Yuuri. I can’t even imagine a world in which I don’t know you.”

Yuuri’s gaze snaps to him and then the banner, which Victor is still looking at. “It seems like such a long time ago? And it’s only been twenty years. It feels like forty years. And I’m not even forty yet!” He blushes then, looking back at Victor who’s already staring at Yuuri. “I had such a big crush on you that first day we met.”

Victor laughs. “I did too. I couldn’t believe I was paired up with someone as cute as you were. And you actually didn’t mind me babbling about the stupidest of things.”

“If I minded that then there’s no way I could be married to you now,” Yuuri notes seriously.

Victor pouts.  

Yuuri quirks a smile.

A lovely man carrying champagne suddenly passes them and Yuuri reaches out and grabs two glasses. Victor takes one.

They raise the glasses.

“Here’s to _Completely Oblivious_.”

Victor tips his glass against Yuuri’s.

“Here’s to us,” he says.

They both take a sip.

 

 

[FEBRUARY 2035]

 

Victor wins Best Director. Two years ago, he wrote a film about a man with alcoholism, about a man that loses his way and loses his life to nothing at all, about a man that had everything but felt like he had nothing. The movie ends with the man watching his son graduate.

He both wrote and directed the movie. Yuuri wasn’t in the film. He was working on his own film at the time, and that night, Yuuri leaves with his second Best Actor Academy Award, and fourth Oscar overall.

They get home that night and their children are both awake. Amara hugs both of them tightly exclaiming how she’s proud of them, but can’t wait to tell people off for asking her about them tomorrow at school. Vera pulls out a piece of cake. She’s the cook and baker of the family. Always has been.

“I made it for you. I’m proud of you too.”

Victor grins at her, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. Yuuri is still being hugged tightly by Amara.

“I’m proud of both of you as well. Thank you. This is so sweet.”

They all share a piece of cake together, and Vera tries to convince them to let her stay up late, but Yuuri ends up picking her up and carrying her to bed as if she didn’t weigh the average weight of a fifteen-year-old girl. Amara had already fallen asleep on Victor so he puts her to bed as well.

Sleepily, both men drag their weight to bed, and when they finally collapse together, they hold each other as if they were one.

 

[JUNE 2038]

 

“I can’t believe she’s going to graduate today,” Victor grumbles as he gets situated in the car. Amara is sitting between the two of them, on her phone.

Yuuri smiles. “It all went by so quickly, huh?”

Victor looks at him just as their chauffeur pulls out of their driveway. Amara is still on her phone.

“I’m proud of her. Indescribably so,” Yuuri says again.

Victor agrees with him. Vera was a headstrong girl, unafraid yet insecure. Beautiful on the outside, but on the inside even more.

And she was _graduating_ today what the _fuck_.

“Do you have your cap?” Victor asks, grinning as he takes his out. The only unfortunate thing about being famous is that they’re overly worried about causing a scene at not only their child’s graduation, but hundreds of other kids' as well.

Yuuri grins at him. “I have my hat, yes. I have my wig too. Do you have your sunglasses?”

Amara scoffs between the two of them. “You’re going to get recognized, Papa. Dad, maybe not. But you? Everyone knows your dumb figure.”

Victor places a hand over his wounded-heart. His sixteen-year-old’s words cause him pain like no other.

“You’re so rude to me, Mar,” he complains. Yuuri snorts.

“If we’re noticed, just tell them to go away. I’m sure they’ll understand. We told the press they weren’t allowed and if they tried to come, we’d sue them.”

Victor nods, and Amara gives them both A Look before returning to her phone.

When they finally arrive at the event, they remove themselves from the car quickly. Putting on their “disguises,” they walk with Amara to the entrance.

Only a few parents notice them, asking for autographs, but besides that, they manage to get into the venue quickly. Taking their seats, they study all the empty seats, wondering where exactly Vera will be sitting.

The ceremony starts a half-hour later, and after nearly two more hours, Vera’s name is finally called. All three of them stand up, shouting and clapping for their _baby,_ their _girl_ , and she proudly walks across the stage, accepting her diploma.

The ceremony goes by slowly after that, and Victor isn’t ashamed to admit that both he and Yuuri held each other for a full five minutes just crying into each other.

They’re _proud_. And one look at Amara, they can tell she’s proud of her sister as well.

 _Finally_ , the ceremony finishes and the family rushes outside to meet their daughter.

“Vera!” Yuuri shouts when he spots her. She grins at them, bounding over to them.

“I graduated!!!!” she exclaims.

All three of them tackle her in a hug.

And Victor knows for a fact he just saw a flash in their direction, but he doesn’t _care_ because his family is in his arms and he knows nothing could ever be better.

And when Yuuri grins at him over Vera’s head (Amara had already escaped), Victor thinks he’s still as beautiful, more even, as when he first saw the seventeen-year-old with his mother thirty years ago.

Victor stills. “I’m almost fifty.”

Vera laughs at him as does Amara as does Yuuri.

Yuuri bites his lip.

“You’re still hot.”

An in-sync, “ _Dad!!_ ” greets them after that.

They grin at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that long ass Oscars scene at the beginning? yeah, I did not mean for it to be that long, but it just... went everywhere whoops. 
> 
> once again, [my website](http://diannamorales.com/)  
> because I published a ~book~  
> and honestly? [here's the direct amazon link](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075ZC71W4)  
> I love you all so much! thank you so much for all the support! have a great day, loves. 
> 
> all the love xxxxx
> 
> -Dianna :)

**Author's Note:**

> any comments and kudos are appreciated! love you all. xxxx
> 
> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://literallynothingbutvictuuri.tumblr.com/)  
> xxx

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Sky's White Waves](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16091726) by [dianna44](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44)




End file.
